Sunday, January 28, 2007
Chav Rumble
It’s been said, usually on our dear old Sky One, that chavs are simply likeable creatures trying to buck established authority and royalty within a pre-ordained stream of consciousness in an anachronistically pro-Monarchy bourgeoisie (I believe Pete Doherty told me that one drunken night). So with the WWE’s traditional Royal Rumble just round the corner, what better time to ‘celebrate’ the lovable culture of twattiness sweeping the world than to imagine a winner-take-all brawl involving the world’s ‘favourite’ celebrity chavs? AKA: The Chav Rumble. Regardez, as Russell Brand would say (not really chavvy, just misunderstood).
Entrant # 1: Jade Goody makes her way to the ring to the chorus of boos she never received on Big Brother, as the audience of chavs pretend they're not racist in the lightest. She is pelted with scones and posters of famous Indians such as Sourav Ganguly and The Kumars. An enraged Goody grabs the microphone and cuts a garbled promo about how she’s “not a racial or nuffink”. She then claims the people of East Anglia are “coming to Britain and stealing all our jobs”.
Goody: Not a racial
Entrant # 2: Paris Hilton finally interrupts Goody’s terroristic tirade, making her way to the ring on top of a giant inflatable penis. The crowd roars their approval as Hilton rages, “I hate these people who get careers for doing nothing except being anti-social.” She then attempts to throw Goody over the top rope and eliminate her, but there are two small problems. Hilton is really, really thin, while Goody is really, really fat. They agree to film a sex tape instead.
# 3: Mike Skinner from The Streets is next out, and immediately goes after Hilton by chucking multiple bottles of Buckfast at her. The bottles go straight through Hilton’s brain and out the other side.
Skinner: Buckfast
# 4: Some appalling rap music hits, signalling the arrival of Kevin Federline. K-Fed saunters to the ring, and clambers over a naked Goody and Hilton on his way in. He miraculously manages to impregnate both women on the way.
Federline: Impregnation
# 5: With the match almost ten minutes old, the inevitable happens: Lily Allen joins proceedings. Coke Zero staggers to the ring while snorting cocaine from the Punjabi jungle of India. Goody rejects the cocaine, saying, “You don’t know where their hands have been when they made it”. She then denies she is “a racial or nuffink”.
# 6: The arena’s video screen shows footage of a brutal LA gang beating to signify the arrival of Snoop Dogg, and rather predictably, violence erupts around him. Snoop’s gang, ‘The Crips’ blind Mike Skinner by throwing marijuana in his eyes, allowing Snoop to easily eliminate him.
# 7 & 8: Maxwell and Saskia from Big Brother 6 make their entrance. No-one remembers them, so they leave quietly.
# 9: The intensely repetitive riff of ‘In Da Club’ blares from the speakers as 50 Cent swaggers to the ring, surrounded by his ‘hos’. Paris ‘The Pussy’ and Jade Goody invite them to their sex tape in the corner of the ring, as ‘Fiddy’ pulls a typically uncharismatic face.
# 10: The Game, Cent’s former ‘homie’ and current enemy, enters the Rumble to be met with a vicious headbutt from Lily Allen. Snoop Dogg assaults Coke Zero with a range of right upper-cuts, before joining in with the Goody/Hilton sex tape.
# 11: Lizzie Bardsley from Wife Swap enters, looking more unattractive than usual. With the ring filling up with chavs, K-Fed threatens to play a sample track from his album. Bardsley, Cent and The Game flee from the ring in terror, thus eliminating themselves.
# 12: The bookies’ favourite for weeks, Pete Doherty, enters the ring facing the wrong way. Lily Allen hits him with a sidewalk slam before blowing cigarette smoke in his face. Doherty turns blue, causing Jade Goody to break off from a graphic sex act to proclaim, “I never liked the blue people anyway”. She denies being “a racial or nuffink”.
Doherty: In need of compass
# 13: As Lily Allen attempts to eliminate Snoop Dogg by loading a banned firearm, Nelly Furtado makes her entrance, with more banal music than ever before. Allen breaks off from Snoop to start a lame catfight with Furtado, as commentator Jerry “The King” Lawler pretends to find the pair attractive for the good of the match. They quickly become entangled in the Goody/Hilton sex act, allowing Snoop to recapture the gun and shoot Doherty. Improbably, Doherty still survives.
# 14: Doherty’s on-off-on-off-sober-comatose girlfriend Kate Moss enters proceedings, and immediately attempts to eliminate anyone over the weight of 7 stone. Snoop Dogg reverses the manoeuvre and throws her over the top rope, causing her to crash into Lawler’s lap, as Lawler again pretends to find her attractive. Meanwhile, a remarkably non-plussed Doherty heads over to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, only to find he has trouble acting on his impulses. The commentators speculate over what could possibly lead to a coked-up ecstasy and heroine addict having erectile problems.
# 15: The buzzer sounds for the final entrant: Britney Spears. Spears enters in a converted caravan, and offers Snoop Dogg some official unairbrushed pictures of her last night out with Hilton. Snoop Dogg eliminates himself.
With all the competitors having made their entrances, it’s now every man and woman (and Goody) for themselves. Federline and Spears have a stare-down in the centre of the ring, which results in Federline throwing a punch. Due to his lanky stature, it fails to register, and Spears hurls the contents of her last KFC carry-out over a befuddled Federline, who falls over the top rope while whining about “my huge rap career”.
Britney turns her attention to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, slapping Goody and assaulting Furtado in what commentator JR describes as the “midsection”. Doherty dives outside the ring through the middle rope, thus not eliminating himself from the Rumble, and grabs a fix of nicotine. The fire alarm immediately sounds, causing Allen to interrupt her “hot lesbian action” with Goody and run for cover. It later emerges that she mistook the alarm for police sirens.
After over half an hour of sex, Hilton finally has enough and turns on Furtado, dumping her to the outside in a callous act of treachery. The following day’s ‘Daily Star’ remarks, “That’s our Paris – you’ve got to love her, haven’t you?” She then disposes of Britney by whispering in her ear that Lindsay Lohan is in a car outside with no underwear. Spears later confirms she only participated in the Chav Rumble “to be a good mother”.
At this point, Hilton is on fire, and again tries to throw Goody over the top rope. Luckily, after wrestling for 40 minutes (and having more liposuction during the match), Goody is now thin enough to be chucked over the top. As Hilton celebrates, Doherty suddenly regains consciousness from whatever caused his latest slumber, clambers back in the ring and eliminates Hilton. Hilton commiserates by marrying a millionaire in his 80’s.
Our final two are perhaps the ultimate poster boys for chav-dom: Pete Doherty and Lily Allen. Difficult to tell which one is more boyish. Anyway, the pair square off as the crowd chant both names in unison, with the easily-led female girls of Britain looking up to Allen as some sort of “icon”, and the rockier, wayward guys cheering for the “People’s Champion” in Doherty. Little do the crowd know it, but both competitors are in fact twats. The two lock up, with Doherty restraining Allen in a front face-lock. Unfortunately, after 5 seconds he forgets how to apply the hold, allowing Allen to escape. His next attempt is a plancha from the top rope, but Allen catches him in mid-air and gives him a vicious slam to the floor, causing her pigtails to de-attach from her hair. She reacts by launching profanities at a member of the audience.
Almost an hour in, and with the end in sight, Allen gives Doherty a devastating spinebuster. Looking to the crowd, she signals for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, the ‘People’s Elbow’. Doherty suddenly leaps up, boots Allen in the guy and delivers the Stone Cold Stunner, which he hence re-names the ‘Stone Cold Sober Stunner’. He then goes to eliminate Allen from the Rumble, but in a momentary (and totally uncharacteristic) memory lapse, forgets how to win the match. In a panic, he eliminates himself by diving into the crowd in a poor recreation of a 70’s stage dive. By default, a dazed and incoherent Allen wins the Chav Rumble.
“I’d like to thank my fans for supporting me all this time, buying my chavvy album, all my chavvy singles and my chavvy range of pro-drugs propaganda, like the ‘Legalise Cannabis’ T-shirts now available at the merchandise stalls. I’m off to celebrate by taking some gok, some crack and some of my favourite horse. Go the druggies! Uhhhh!”
As she goes to leave the ring, Vince McMahon interrupts her. You see, this isn’t the end of her wrestling career, as McMahon explains. The winner of the Chav Rumble, as everyone knows, goes on to meet the WWE Champion at ChavMania. So without further ado, McMahon introduces her opponent, the reigning champion, and a man who doesn’t act or appear chavvy in the slightest. Um, this man.
It's gonna happen. Give it 10 years.
Entrant # 1: Jade Goody makes her way to the ring to the chorus of boos she never received on Big Brother, as the audience of chavs pretend they're not racist in the lightest. She is pelted with scones and posters of famous Indians such as Sourav Ganguly and The Kumars. An enraged Goody grabs the microphone and cuts a garbled promo about how she’s “not a racial or nuffink”. She then claims the people of East Anglia are “coming to Britain and stealing all our jobs”.
Goody: Not a racial
Entrant # 2: Paris Hilton finally interrupts Goody’s terroristic tirade, making her way to the ring on top of a giant inflatable penis. The crowd roars their approval as Hilton rages, “I hate these people who get careers for doing nothing except being anti-social.” She then attempts to throw Goody over the top rope and eliminate her, but there are two small problems. Hilton is really, really thin, while Goody is really, really fat. They agree to film a sex tape instead.
# 3: Mike Skinner from The Streets is next out, and immediately goes after Hilton by chucking multiple bottles of Buckfast at her. The bottles go straight through Hilton’s brain and out the other side.
Skinner: Buckfast
# 4: Some appalling rap music hits, signalling the arrival of Kevin Federline. K-Fed saunters to the ring, and clambers over a naked Goody and Hilton on his way in. He miraculously manages to impregnate both women on the way.
Federline: Impregnation
# 5: With the match almost ten minutes old, the inevitable happens: Lily Allen joins proceedings. Coke Zero staggers to the ring while snorting cocaine from the Punjabi jungle of India. Goody rejects the cocaine, saying, “You don’t know where their hands have been when they made it”. She then denies she is “a racial or nuffink”.
# 6: The arena’s video screen shows footage of a brutal LA gang beating to signify the arrival of Snoop Dogg, and rather predictably, violence erupts around him. Snoop’s gang, ‘The Crips’ blind Mike Skinner by throwing marijuana in his eyes, allowing Snoop to easily eliminate him.
# 7 & 8: Maxwell and Saskia from Big Brother 6 make their entrance. No-one remembers them, so they leave quietly.
# 9: The intensely repetitive riff of ‘In Da Club’ blares from the speakers as 50 Cent swaggers to the ring, surrounded by his ‘hos’. Paris ‘The Pussy’ and Jade Goody invite them to their sex tape in the corner of the ring, as ‘Fiddy’ pulls a typically uncharismatic face.
# 10: The Game, Cent’s former ‘homie’ and current enemy, enters the Rumble to be met with a vicious headbutt from Lily Allen. Snoop Dogg assaults Coke Zero with a range of right upper-cuts, before joining in with the Goody/Hilton sex tape.
# 11: Lizzie Bardsley from Wife Swap enters, looking more unattractive than usual. With the ring filling up with chavs, K-Fed threatens to play a sample track from his album. Bardsley, Cent and The Game flee from the ring in terror, thus eliminating themselves.
# 12: The bookies’ favourite for weeks, Pete Doherty, enters the ring facing the wrong way. Lily Allen hits him with a sidewalk slam before blowing cigarette smoke in his face. Doherty turns blue, causing Jade Goody to break off from a graphic sex act to proclaim, “I never liked the blue people anyway”. She denies being “a racial or nuffink”.
Doherty: In need of compass
# 13: As Lily Allen attempts to eliminate Snoop Dogg by loading a banned firearm, Nelly Furtado makes her entrance, with more banal music than ever before. Allen breaks off from Snoop to start a lame catfight with Furtado, as commentator Jerry “The King” Lawler pretends to find the pair attractive for the good of the match. They quickly become entangled in the Goody/Hilton sex act, allowing Snoop to recapture the gun and shoot Doherty. Improbably, Doherty still survives.
# 14: Doherty’s on-off-on-off-sober-comatose girlfriend Kate Moss enters proceedings, and immediately attempts to eliminate anyone over the weight of 7 stone. Snoop Dogg reverses the manoeuvre and throws her over the top rope, causing her to crash into Lawler’s lap, as Lawler again pretends to find her attractive. Meanwhile, a remarkably non-plussed Doherty heads over to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, only to find he has trouble acting on his impulses. The commentators speculate over what could possibly lead to a coked-up ecstasy and heroine addict having erectile problems.
# 15: The buzzer sounds for the final entrant: Britney Spears. Spears enters in a converted caravan, and offers Snoop Dogg some official unairbrushed pictures of her last night out with Hilton. Snoop Dogg eliminates himself.
With all the competitors having made their entrances, it’s now every man and woman (and Goody) for themselves. Federline and Spears have a stare-down in the centre of the ring, which results in Federline throwing a punch. Due to his lanky stature, it fails to register, and Spears hurls the contents of her last KFC carry-out over a befuddled Federline, who falls over the top rope while whining about “my huge rap career”.
Britney turns her attention to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, slapping Goody and assaulting Furtado in what commentator JR describes as the “midsection”. Doherty dives outside the ring through the middle rope, thus not eliminating himself from the Rumble, and grabs a fix of nicotine. The fire alarm immediately sounds, causing Allen to interrupt her “hot lesbian action” with Goody and run for cover. It later emerges that she mistook the alarm for police sirens.
After over half an hour of sex, Hilton finally has enough and turns on Furtado, dumping her to the outside in a callous act of treachery. The following day’s ‘Daily Star’ remarks, “That’s our Paris – you’ve got to love her, haven’t you?” She then disposes of Britney by whispering in her ear that Lindsay Lohan is in a car outside with no underwear. Spears later confirms she only participated in the Chav Rumble “to be a good mother”.
At this point, Hilton is on fire, and again tries to throw Goody over the top rope. Luckily, after wrestling for 40 minutes (and having more liposuction during the match), Goody is now thin enough to be chucked over the top. As Hilton celebrates, Doherty suddenly regains consciousness from whatever caused his latest slumber, clambers back in the ring and eliminates Hilton. Hilton commiserates by marrying a millionaire in his 80’s.
Our final two are perhaps the ultimate poster boys for chav-dom: Pete Doherty and Lily Allen. Difficult to tell which one is more boyish. Anyway, the pair square off as the crowd chant both names in unison, with the easily-led female girls of Britain looking up to Allen as some sort of “icon”, and the rockier, wayward guys cheering for the “People’s Champion” in Doherty. Little do the crowd know it, but both competitors are in fact twats. The two lock up, with Doherty restraining Allen in a front face-lock. Unfortunately, after 5 seconds he forgets how to apply the hold, allowing Allen to escape. His next attempt is a plancha from the top rope, but Allen catches him in mid-air and gives him a vicious slam to the floor, causing her pigtails to de-attach from her hair. She reacts by launching profanities at a member of the audience.
Almost an hour in, and with the end in sight, Allen gives Doherty a devastating spinebuster. Looking to the crowd, she signals for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, the ‘People’s Elbow’. Doherty suddenly leaps up, boots Allen in the guy and delivers the Stone Cold Stunner, which he hence re-names the ‘Stone Cold Sober Stunner’. He then goes to eliminate Allen from the Rumble, but in a momentary (and totally uncharacteristic) memory lapse, forgets how to win the match. In a panic, he eliminates himself by diving into the crowd in a poor recreation of a 70’s stage dive. By default, a dazed and incoherent Allen wins the Chav Rumble.
“I’d like to thank my fans for supporting me all this time, buying my chavvy album, all my chavvy singles and my chavvy range of pro-drugs propaganda, like the ‘Legalise Cannabis’ T-shirts now available at the merchandise stalls. I’m off to celebrate by taking some gok, some crack and some of my favourite horse. Go the druggies! Uhhhh!”
As she goes to leave the ring, Vince McMahon interrupts her. You see, this isn’t the end of her wrestling career, as McMahon explains. The winner of the Chav Rumble, as everyone knows, goes on to meet the WWE Champion at ChavMania. So without further ado, McMahon introduces her opponent, the reigning champion, and a man who doesn’t act or appear chavvy in the slightest. Um, this man.
It's gonna happen. Give it 10 years.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
W.W.E.C.Dub
It's been a while since I've updated this blog, but sometimes it's difficult to find
inspiration when the WWE product is so mediocre. So it has to count as good news when Vince finally decides to shake up the product. Enter, from stage left, ECW.
By Vince's own admissions (or by Dave Meltzer's leaked admissions), the booking had become lethargic, unspiring and methodically lazy. Of course, that only covers half the story - you could say what you want about the sick Guerrero angles they've run this year, but you sure couldn't call them cliched. But McMahon clearly needed something new to try, and has become addicted to running live TV on a Monday night (which explains why Smackdown is so second-rate now). So, taking into account the huge success of last year's One Night Stand, plus all the books/DVDs sold, he decided to strike while the iron was hot and ressurrect ECW. Trouble is, the iron has cooled considerably in the past 12 months. Last June, "E C Dub" was the prevalent chant. Now it's "Cena", "Cena Sucks", "619" or "Eddie". Whether you're a child cheering on Cena and Mysterio, or a stalwart of the Attitude Era paying to see DX, if you're at a WWE event in 2006, chances are you're not an ECW fan.
Which leaves us with the surreal scene of ECW tapings being held in a Smackdown arena. Airy, air conditioned, 10,000 seater sports stadiums. You can hardly move for 12-yr-olds with Mexican masks, yet WWE seem to have the crazed notion that ECW fans are prepared to sit through Smackdown, and vice versa. In addition, Sci Fi airs the show live, so there's no time to pipe in fake noise to drown out the near-silence of a Smackdown taping. It couldn't be simpler - all Vince had to do was book a third night of taping in an ECW-sized venue. The crowds would come out in force (as they have done at the house shows, albeit with variable success), and would create a cauldron of noise synonamous with the ECW of the 1990's. if he's so worried about the costs, he could combine RAW and Smackdown into double tapings, as they regularly do. Heck, he could move ECW to the RAW tapings. I've said all along that the RAW fans are totally different from the Smackdown followers (Cena started getting booed the month after he was traded, which can hardly be a coincidence), and there's far more chance of the old ECW crew turning up at a live RAW than a soulless, child orientated Smackdown headlined by Mysterio, King Booker and Lashley. But Vince seems to have ignored common sense for years. Basically since the moment he let Austin turn heel at WrestleMania X-7.
So ECW got off to a bad start, to put things bluntly. A poor first show was headlined by an awful Battle Royal, and the product looked a millions miles removed from the old ECW, or even the rabid PPV's at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I'm not quite sure why everyone reacted so badly to it, though. Meltzer called it 'the worst American wrestling show in many years', and the fans' reaction on his website was typically hysterical. To be honest, the product hasn't changed in the slightest since that night, yet people seem to like the shows more now. I guess they just got used to it. The show basically has the same formula every week - Sabu match, Kelly Kelly strip interrupted by Mike Knox, Test squashes ECW guy, Sandman canes freak, RAW guy enters arena through fans, good main event. I'm not sure that'll stay novel for long, as I'm sure I've seen the same show five times now. But remarkably, it seems to have held up in the ratings.
There are a few good reasons for this. The Monday to Tuesday dynamic is really good, and the various angles on RAW have helped build interest for the next night's main event. Joey Styles and Tazz are exemplar commentators, and the show is immediately improved by their authenticity and, pardon the pun, styles. Paul Heyman is one of the greatest promos in wrestling history, and adds to the show with his mere presence. Sabu has really impressed management with his workrate and entertaining spots, and has continued to receive a push despite his questionable actions on the road. The show really suffers from a lack of RVD and Kurt Angle, but when they return the show should become more stable again. Angle just needs to tone down on the 4-nights-a-week schedule, and fast. Big Show has, in my opinion, always been under-rated in terms of believability and presence, and since Heyman always books his character to perfection, this summer should be no expection. And at the end of the day, people will always pop for chairs and tables. It may be lazy booking, but if they want to beat TNA, the ressurrection of ECW goes a long way to doing that.
Heyman: Presence
For me, the big problem is Vince's booking. Or not so much his booking, but the old ECW fans' rejection of it. The sooner they realise that the ECW of 1996 is dead and buried, the better. Frankly, they should be glad they've even got a watered down version now. They may not agree with Vince's idealogy (and the Kelly Kelly segments are some of the most pointless I've ever seen), but his vision of a successful wrestling company does not correlate with the old ECW, simple as that. And since he beat Heyman convincingly, and beat Bischoff even more convincingly, he has the right to book whatever show he wants. Sci Fi are ecstatic at the ratings, so it looks like the show will be around for a while. And if Heyman ain't down with that, Vince has two word for him - bounced cheques.
inspiration when the WWE product is so mediocre. So it has to count as good news when Vince finally decides to shake up the product. Enter, from stage left, ECW.
By Vince's own admissions (or by Dave Meltzer's leaked admissions), the booking had become lethargic, unspiring and methodically lazy. Of course, that only covers half the story - you could say what you want about the sick Guerrero angles they've run this year, but you sure couldn't call them cliched. But McMahon clearly needed something new to try, and has become addicted to running live TV on a Monday night (which explains why Smackdown is so second-rate now). So, taking into account the huge success of last year's One Night Stand, plus all the books/DVDs sold, he decided to strike while the iron was hot and ressurrect ECW. Trouble is, the iron has cooled considerably in the past 12 months. Last June, "E C Dub" was the prevalent chant. Now it's "Cena", "Cena Sucks", "619" or "Eddie". Whether you're a child cheering on Cena and Mysterio, or a stalwart of the Attitude Era paying to see DX, if you're at a WWE event in 2006, chances are you're not an ECW fan.
Which leaves us with the surreal scene of ECW tapings being held in a Smackdown arena. Airy, air conditioned, 10,000 seater sports stadiums. You can hardly move for 12-yr-olds with Mexican masks, yet WWE seem to have the crazed notion that ECW fans are prepared to sit through Smackdown, and vice versa. In addition, Sci Fi airs the show live, so there's no time to pipe in fake noise to drown out the near-silence of a Smackdown taping. It couldn't be simpler - all Vince had to do was book a third night of taping in an ECW-sized venue. The crowds would come out in force (as they have done at the house shows, albeit with variable success), and would create a cauldron of noise synonamous with the ECW of the 1990's. if he's so worried about the costs, he could combine RAW and Smackdown into double tapings, as they regularly do. Heck, he could move ECW to the RAW tapings. I've said all along that the RAW fans are totally different from the Smackdown followers (Cena started getting booed the month after he was traded, which can hardly be a coincidence), and there's far more chance of the old ECW crew turning up at a live RAW than a soulless, child orientated Smackdown headlined by Mysterio, King Booker and Lashley. But Vince seems to have ignored common sense for years. Basically since the moment he let Austin turn heel at WrestleMania X-7.
So ECW got off to a bad start, to put things bluntly. A poor first show was headlined by an awful Battle Royal, and the product looked a millions miles removed from the old ECW, or even the rabid PPV's at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I'm not quite sure why everyone reacted so badly to it, though. Meltzer called it 'the worst American wrestling show in many years', and the fans' reaction on his website was typically hysterical. To be honest, the product hasn't changed in the slightest since that night, yet people seem to like the shows more now. I guess they just got used to it. The show basically has the same formula every week - Sabu match, Kelly Kelly strip interrupted by Mike Knox, Test squashes ECW guy, Sandman canes freak, RAW guy enters arena through fans, good main event. I'm not sure that'll stay novel for long, as I'm sure I've seen the same show five times now. But remarkably, it seems to have held up in the ratings.
There are a few good reasons for this. The Monday to Tuesday dynamic is really good, and the various angles on RAW have helped build interest for the next night's main event. Joey Styles and Tazz are exemplar commentators, and the show is immediately improved by their authenticity and, pardon the pun, styles. Paul Heyman is one of the greatest promos in wrestling history, and adds to the show with his mere presence. Sabu has really impressed management with his workrate and entertaining spots, and has continued to receive a push despite his questionable actions on the road. The show really suffers from a lack of RVD and Kurt Angle, but when they return the show should become more stable again. Angle just needs to tone down on the 4-nights-a-week schedule, and fast. Big Show has, in my opinion, always been under-rated in terms of believability and presence, and since Heyman always books his character to perfection, this summer should be no expection. And at the end of the day, people will always pop for chairs and tables. It may be lazy booking, but if they want to beat TNA, the ressurrection of ECW goes a long way to doing that.
Heyman: Presence
For me, the big problem is Vince's booking. Or not so much his booking, but the old ECW fans' rejection of it. The sooner they realise that the ECW of 1996 is dead and buried, the better. Frankly, they should be glad they've even got a watered down version now. They may not agree with Vince's idealogy (and the Kelly Kelly segments are some of the most pointless I've ever seen), but his vision of a successful wrestling company does not correlate with the old ECW, simple as that. And since he beat Heyman convincingly, and beat Bischoff even more convincingly, he has the right to book whatever show he wants. Sci Fi are ecstatic at the ratings, so it looks like the show will be around for a while. And if Heyman ain't down with that, Vince has two word for him - bounced cheques.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Cackdown
Against all my predictions, Judgment Day was a shockingly good PPV. Only two matches (Undertaker vs. Khali and possibly Jilian vs. Melina) weren't good, and some of the wrestling on show was superb. In fact, people have been referring to Smackdown as the better wrestling show for some time now, with the likes of Benoit, Angle and Finlay performing on a regular basis. But the problem isn't the technical ability, it's the complete lack of main event draws. A complete lack of main eventers, come to think of it. I doubt the show drew over 220,000 buys and, more worringly, I doubt it drew much over 140,000 American buys.
Seriously, if it wasn't for Europe and Australasia the company's financial structure would be in severe trouble. Instead, the share price has risen to its highest level since the Austin era and Vince McMahon is now a certified billionare once again. The same Vince McMahon who fires injured wrestlers, newlywed couples and pregnant women because he can't pay their wages. For the record, he ended the last fiscal year $47million richer. Enough to make you sick.
On the subject of Vince's questionable business decisions, what the frig is going on with Stacy Keibler? Since her pointless trade to Smackdown last summer, she's seemingly been phased out of the company, as if she can't play a valuable role on the floundering Friday Night farce. For two months all she did was nod to Batista backstage, a task that Melina could just as easily have carried out (I hear she and Batista have a good working relationship). Then there was the half-hearted attempt to cash in on the Jennifer Aniston love triangle, in the Peep Show angle with Christian and Jilian Hall. You've probably forgotten it ever happened. Yet again WWE had a home run sitting on their lap, and they still threw it out the window. After her job to Hall on the inconsequential Velocity, she disappeared from the company. Seemingly never to return. I'd like to remind Vince that Keibler remained one of the most over Divas in the company, despite the booking committee forgetting she exists. The same Vince McMahon who lambasts Eric Bischoff for the demise of WCW, forgets that Bischoff booked Keibler as a prominent and successful character for two whole years. Her wedding to David Flair was one of the most watched Nitro segments of the year (I know that's a bit like saying Jade Goody has just had one of her most stunning photoshoots), and she arrived in WWE already established as one of the most popular women in wrestling history. If anything, WWE buried her. Remember her endless string of jobs to Torrie Wilson? The appaling, never-ending mess involving Test and Scott Steiner? Sure, Stacy was given the occassional four minutes of airtime over the years, but the writing was so bad you often wished they hadn't bothered.
The argument that Stacy owes the WWE a debt of gratitude for bringing her to the dance (as posted by some prat on the internet) is laughable. The WWE didn't hand Stacy all the endorsements, magazine awards and premiere invites of the last year; Stacy aquired them herself. The WWE didn't negociate her 'Dancing With The Stars' contract; she did. In fact, all the WWE have ever done is pressure her to appear in Playboy every March. But while Candice Michelle is more than happy to head to Hugh Hefner's seedy ranch (and get practically molested by Vince every Monday night), Stacy has quietly decided enough is enough.
Keibler: Had enough
Her most recent quote that, "They hadn't written anything for me before Stars, so why should I think they will now?" is not arrogant, conceited or ungateful. It's what's called stating a fact. McMahon and his clueless cronies have continually overlooked Stacy for angles involving Jilian Hall, Christy Hemme (who they later fired, for no apparent reason), Candice, Torrie, Melina, Ashley and Mickie James. Not to do any of these Divas a disservice - they're a group of talented and well liked individuals. And Candice. But the booking of Stacy has been a running joke for at least two years now. All it's missing is a punchline, but I'm sure they'll bury Stacy in promos and angles once they get round to it. They've just got to finish with their vendettas against the Ultimate Warrior, JR and God first.
The ultimate irony is this. Stacy has more potential for storylines than ever before. She's a bona fide celebrity now, everyone in America knows her name and a return, even for one last appearance, could spike interest in the starless Smackdown. She's never even worked with Melina, Mickie and Candice before, so the list of potential storylines is endless. Smackdown also has wrestlers and tag teams who could do with a manager to establish themselves on the roster. And that's to say nothing of the potential angles stemming from the Dancing With The Stars screwjob, when she was rejected by the mindless voters for having a few dancing classes at the age of three (I'm reliably informed that women are the main voters in reality shows, so that may explain the jealous backlash). When you weigh it all up, it's quite embarassing that the WWE have nothing for her. They've apparently done nothing to coax her back to the company since DWTS, and can't be bothered offering her a new contract. Maybe they couldn't take the humiliation of her turning them down for Hollywood. There's a twisted irony in ex-Hollywood writers deliberately ignoring Stacy, then watching her leave for Hollywood as a result. I think they call it poetic justice.
Meanwhile, Smackdown has become a shambles. Due to a mixture of injuies, angles and suspensions for harassing women, JBL, Randy Orton, Batista, Mr. Kennedy, The Undertaker and Chris Benoit are all sidelined. As TNA draws 1.1's, Smackdown draws 1.9's. If a show headlined by Buff Bagwell and Lex Luger is closing in on you, you know you're in it deep. Keibler is best off without the WWE, and the WWE is poorer without her. Could someone remind Vince of this when he's firing all the Diva Search contestants in November?
Seriously, if it wasn't for Europe and Australasia the company's financial structure would be in severe trouble. Instead, the share price has risen to its highest level since the Austin era and Vince McMahon is now a certified billionare once again. The same Vince McMahon who fires injured wrestlers, newlywed couples and pregnant women because he can't pay their wages. For the record, he ended the last fiscal year $47million richer. Enough to make you sick.
On the subject of Vince's questionable business decisions, what the frig is going on with Stacy Keibler? Since her pointless trade to Smackdown last summer, she's seemingly been phased out of the company, as if she can't play a valuable role on the floundering Friday Night farce. For two months all she did was nod to Batista backstage, a task that Melina could just as easily have carried out (I hear she and Batista have a good working relationship). Then there was the half-hearted attempt to cash in on the Jennifer Aniston love triangle, in the Peep Show angle with Christian and Jilian Hall. You've probably forgotten it ever happened. Yet again WWE had a home run sitting on their lap, and they still threw it out the window. After her job to Hall on the inconsequential Velocity, she disappeared from the company. Seemingly never to return. I'd like to remind Vince that Keibler remained one of the most over Divas in the company, despite the booking committee forgetting she exists. The same Vince McMahon who lambasts Eric Bischoff for the demise of WCW, forgets that Bischoff booked Keibler as a prominent and successful character for two whole years. Her wedding to David Flair was one of the most watched Nitro segments of the year (I know that's a bit like saying Jade Goody has just had one of her most stunning photoshoots), and she arrived in WWE already established as one of the most popular women in wrestling history. If anything, WWE buried her. Remember her endless string of jobs to Torrie Wilson? The appaling, never-ending mess involving Test and Scott Steiner? Sure, Stacy was given the occassional four minutes of airtime over the years, but the writing was so bad you often wished they hadn't bothered.
The argument that Stacy owes the WWE a debt of gratitude for bringing her to the dance (as posted by some prat on the internet) is laughable. The WWE didn't hand Stacy all the endorsements, magazine awards and premiere invites of the last year; Stacy aquired them herself. The WWE didn't negociate her 'Dancing With The Stars' contract; she did. In fact, all the WWE have ever done is pressure her to appear in Playboy every March. But while Candice Michelle is more than happy to head to Hugh Hefner's seedy ranch (and get practically molested by Vince every Monday night), Stacy has quietly decided enough is enough.
Keibler: Had enough
Her most recent quote that, "They hadn't written anything for me before Stars, so why should I think they will now?" is not arrogant, conceited or ungateful. It's what's called stating a fact. McMahon and his clueless cronies have continually overlooked Stacy for angles involving Jilian Hall, Christy Hemme (who they later fired, for no apparent reason), Candice, Torrie, Melina, Ashley and Mickie James. Not to do any of these Divas a disservice - they're a group of talented and well liked individuals. And Candice. But the booking of Stacy has been a running joke for at least two years now. All it's missing is a punchline, but I'm sure they'll bury Stacy in promos and angles once they get round to it. They've just got to finish with their vendettas against the Ultimate Warrior, JR and God first.
The ultimate irony is this. Stacy has more potential for storylines than ever before. She's a bona fide celebrity now, everyone in America knows her name and a return, even for one last appearance, could spike interest in the starless Smackdown. She's never even worked with Melina, Mickie and Candice before, so the list of potential storylines is endless. Smackdown also has wrestlers and tag teams who could do with a manager to establish themselves on the roster. And that's to say nothing of the potential angles stemming from the Dancing With The Stars screwjob, when she was rejected by the mindless voters for having a few dancing classes at the age of three (I'm reliably informed that women are the main voters in reality shows, so that may explain the jealous backlash). When you weigh it all up, it's quite embarassing that the WWE have nothing for her. They've apparently done nothing to coax her back to the company since DWTS, and can't be bothered offering her a new contract. Maybe they couldn't take the humiliation of her turning them down for Hollywood. There's a twisted irony in ex-Hollywood writers deliberately ignoring Stacy, then watching her leave for Hollywood as a result. I think they call it poetic justice.
Meanwhile, Smackdown has become a shambles. Due to a mixture of injuies, angles and suspensions for harassing women, JBL, Randy Orton, Batista, Mr. Kennedy, The Undertaker and Chris Benoit are all sidelined. As TNA draws 1.1's, Smackdown draws 1.9's. If a show headlined by Buff Bagwell and Lex Luger is closing in on you, you know you're in it deep. Keibler is best off without the WWE, and the WWE is poorer without her. Could someone remind Vince of this when he's firing all the Diva Search contestants in November?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Mysterious Ways
Smackdown. Written by Kevin Dunn and Stephanie McMahon, and overseen by Vincent Kennedy McMahon. A deranged, insecure, irrational mind. And Vince McMahon.
There was a time when Smackdown was the 'in' show. Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Eddie and Chavo Guerrero, Rey Mysterio and Edge would steal the show every Thrursday night in a series of matches that blew away anything on the HHH-patrolled RAW. While Monday night featured implied rape, racism without a punchline and negrophillia, Paul Heyman led Smackdown to some of its greatest shows, and produced ratings that the McMahons would pray for today. Not that Vince would find solace in praying, since he "beat" God in that tag match. Anyway, Brock Lesnar was getting over as Champion, and thanks to an inspired angle involving (of all people) the Big Show, Lesnar's mic work, in-ring presence and believability began to soar. How times change.
Angle is battling through unimaginable pain to prepare for a showdown with Mark Henry. Benoit is on Velocity. Eddie has passed away. Chavo is resting while WWE work out how to exploit him next. Edge is getting his progress blocked by Triple H and after his lawsuit Lesnar is, shall we say, not welcome at Stamford.
And then there's Rey Mysterio.
Measuring in at about 2"4 tall, Mysterio was always up against it. But after years in Mexico, Japan, ECW and WCW (where, I'm led to believe, he regularly stole the show only to be overshadowed by Kevin Nash's expanding ego), he finally made it to the promised land of the WWE. The Cruiserweight Division was a waste of his popularity, due to the company's inability to book them. So after the tragic death of Eddie, the company installed him as the new top Mexican babyface. Nothing wrong with that. The problems started when WWE lost all sense of logic and started booking Randy Orton as an anti-Eddie heel, referring to the Latino legend as "no saint" and saying he was in hell rather than heaven. Rey, defending his honour, just had to stand there and say, "I'll wrestle you anytime". Someone in WWE had the insane theory that this would get Orton over as a heel, and that the fans would turn on him, not the company who clearly scripted his heinous lines in the first place. No Way Out promptly flopped, as the show struggled to draw over 200,000 buys. Smackdown PPV's usually draw about 230,000-240,000 buys, so you do the maths. Not exactly worth exploiting Eddie's name for -20,000 buys, was it?
So they decided to change direction. Instead of fighting for Eddie, Rey would become the underdog champion, taking on all comers. One problem. The hardcore fans, those rather annoying types who still think John Cena isn't a worthy champion (*yawns*) turned up at WrestleMania ready to boo anyone who wasn't cool. After being booked as a squeaky-clean babyface who couldn't even beat Orton, Rey had suddenly become uncool. And the man who was so popular the week before that Kurt Angle was booed, found himself receiving a nasty reaction from the Chicago crowd. The proudest night of his life was somewhat soured by the petulent crowd reaction.
So what did WWE do next? Establish him as a winner? A credible champion? A draw? Why bother, they said. So they proceeded to job him out to Mark Henry and the Great Khali. To put it bluntly, Henry's wrestling outshines Khali's. And my goodness, that says a lot. But these weren't any old jobs, oh no - these were old school squash matches. The type usually reserved for lower-midcarders in the late 80's. Or Funaki. But here was your World Heavyweight Champion, the chief representative of the Smackdown brand, getting stood on by a man whose wrestling is more inept than BBC News 24's security. They were quite embarassing to watch, and made Smackdown look inferior, minor-league and irrelevant in today's WWE. But then came the coup de gras.
May 19th.
Of all the ways to bury Smackdown formulated over the years, this will take some beating. JBL introduced Rey's mystery opponent, none other than Kane. Good move, and an ideal way to publicise the release of See No Evil. The fact he's a RAW superstar should have been given a better explanation, but that was a minor detail. No, the problems arose when Kane chokeslammed Mysterio clean in the middle of the ring. At least Rey had some offence this time. But when JBL entered proceedings, accidentally blurted out "May 19th" and was subsequently chokeslammed to hell, all logic went with him. Kane just left the ring and walked out. Our Smackdown Main Event for Judgment Day lay in the ring after being decimated by a RAW upper midcarder - ONE RAW upper midcarder - 48 hours before the PPV. They couldn't have come up with a better way of destroying Smackdown's credibility if they'd tried. Who's going to buy Judgment Day now? Even more damaging, perhaps, was JBL's match commentary. As the crowd chanted for Eddie, Layfield bellowed: "These people don't care about Rey, they long for the glory days of JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero". Wonderful way of putting it, sir. And a wonderful way of ensuring that no-one's going to give a frig when you step into the ring with Rey on Sunday.
Kane: Bigger than Smackdown
Smackdown had problems before this angle started. It's in the toilet now. Difficult as it is to believe, it used to draw better ratings than RAW. Now it struggles to claw its way to a 2.6, as RAW basks in regular 4.0's. I know they've had an injury crisis, but a draft lottery would solve all thse problems. Oh I forgot, they tried that before, and they handicapped Smackdown even more. At least when WCW died, you could see they were running out of ideas, big names and money. But when one unified company is leading RAW to its most successful period in 4 years, and simultaneously running Smackdown into the ground, you just have to shake your head. And then cough up $35 every few weeks. As Coldplay would say, that's the hardest part.
Get well soon to Stacy Keibler, after her seizure on Tuesday night. Leaving WWE was the best move for her career and health, but not if the insane publicity schedule pushes her too far. Nothing is worth risking her health.
There was a time when Smackdown was the 'in' show. Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Eddie and Chavo Guerrero, Rey Mysterio and Edge would steal the show every Thrursday night in a series of matches that blew away anything on the HHH-patrolled RAW. While Monday night featured implied rape, racism without a punchline and negrophillia, Paul Heyman led Smackdown to some of its greatest shows, and produced ratings that the McMahons would pray for today. Not that Vince would find solace in praying, since he "beat" God in that tag match. Anyway, Brock Lesnar was getting over as Champion, and thanks to an inspired angle involving (of all people) the Big Show, Lesnar's mic work, in-ring presence and believability began to soar. How times change.
Angle is battling through unimaginable pain to prepare for a showdown with Mark Henry. Benoit is on Velocity. Eddie has passed away. Chavo is resting while WWE work out how to exploit him next. Edge is getting his progress blocked by Triple H and after his lawsuit Lesnar is, shall we say, not welcome at Stamford.
And then there's Rey Mysterio.
Measuring in at about 2"4 tall, Mysterio was always up against it. But after years in Mexico, Japan, ECW and WCW (where, I'm led to believe, he regularly stole the show only to be overshadowed by Kevin Nash's expanding ego), he finally made it to the promised land of the WWE. The Cruiserweight Division was a waste of his popularity, due to the company's inability to book them. So after the tragic death of Eddie, the company installed him as the new top Mexican babyface. Nothing wrong with that. The problems started when WWE lost all sense of logic and started booking Randy Orton as an anti-Eddie heel, referring to the Latino legend as "no saint" and saying he was in hell rather than heaven. Rey, defending his honour, just had to stand there and say, "I'll wrestle you anytime". Someone in WWE had the insane theory that this would get Orton over as a heel, and that the fans would turn on him, not the company who clearly scripted his heinous lines in the first place. No Way Out promptly flopped, as the show struggled to draw over 200,000 buys. Smackdown PPV's usually draw about 230,000-240,000 buys, so you do the maths. Not exactly worth exploiting Eddie's name for -20,000 buys, was it?
So they decided to change direction. Instead of fighting for Eddie, Rey would become the underdog champion, taking on all comers. One problem. The hardcore fans, those rather annoying types who still think John Cena isn't a worthy champion (*yawns*) turned up at WrestleMania ready to boo anyone who wasn't cool. After being booked as a squeaky-clean babyface who couldn't even beat Orton, Rey had suddenly become uncool. And the man who was so popular the week before that Kurt Angle was booed, found himself receiving a nasty reaction from the Chicago crowd. The proudest night of his life was somewhat soured by the petulent crowd reaction.
So what did WWE do next? Establish him as a winner? A credible champion? A draw? Why bother, they said. So they proceeded to job him out to Mark Henry and the Great Khali. To put it bluntly, Henry's wrestling outshines Khali's. And my goodness, that says a lot. But these weren't any old jobs, oh no - these were old school squash matches. The type usually reserved for lower-midcarders in the late 80's. Or Funaki. But here was your World Heavyweight Champion, the chief representative of the Smackdown brand, getting stood on by a man whose wrestling is more inept than BBC News 24's security. They were quite embarassing to watch, and made Smackdown look inferior, minor-league and irrelevant in today's WWE. But then came the coup de gras.
May 19th.
Of all the ways to bury Smackdown formulated over the years, this will take some beating. JBL introduced Rey's mystery opponent, none other than Kane. Good move, and an ideal way to publicise the release of See No Evil. The fact he's a RAW superstar should have been given a better explanation, but that was a minor detail. No, the problems arose when Kane chokeslammed Mysterio clean in the middle of the ring. At least Rey had some offence this time. But when JBL entered proceedings, accidentally blurted out "May 19th" and was subsequently chokeslammed to hell, all logic went with him. Kane just left the ring and walked out. Our Smackdown Main Event for Judgment Day lay in the ring after being decimated by a RAW upper midcarder - ONE RAW upper midcarder - 48 hours before the PPV. They couldn't have come up with a better way of destroying Smackdown's credibility if they'd tried. Who's going to buy Judgment Day now? Even more damaging, perhaps, was JBL's match commentary. As the crowd chanted for Eddie, Layfield bellowed: "These people don't care about Rey, they long for the glory days of JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero". Wonderful way of putting it, sir. And a wonderful way of ensuring that no-one's going to give a frig when you step into the ring with Rey on Sunday.
Kane: Bigger than Smackdown
Smackdown had problems before this angle started. It's in the toilet now. Difficult as it is to believe, it used to draw better ratings than RAW. Now it struggles to claw its way to a 2.6, as RAW basks in regular 4.0's. I know they've had an injury crisis, but a draft lottery would solve all thse problems. Oh I forgot, they tried that before, and they handicapped Smackdown even more. At least when WCW died, you could see they were running out of ideas, big names and money. But when one unified company is leading RAW to its most successful period in 4 years, and simultaneously running Smackdown into the ground, you just have to shake your head. And then cough up $35 every few weeks. As Coldplay would say, that's the hardest part.
Get well soon to Stacy Keibler, after her seizure on Tuesday night. Leaving WWE was the best move for her career and health, but not if the insane publicity schedule pushes her too far. Nothing is worth risking her health.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
God Save The WWE
With Backlash only a week away, it's no surprise that Vince McMahon has pulled out all the stops to keep the post-WrestleMania momentum going. Moving Edge back to the main event was a sensible move, and the 3-way promos have been some of the interesting and dynamic segments in WWE in a long time. Some would say (ok, I said all along) that the Triple Threat Match scheduled for Backlash should have actually headlined Mania after Edge's meteoric rise to the top, and would have ensured a smooth title change from Edge to HHH. The way it eventually went down, HHH got another chance to do his yearly Mania job, then come out the next night and say, "We all know it's my title anyway". At least they've stumbled across the unique Cena reactions, and allowed the three of them to write their own promo scripts. Let that be a precedent - someone like Shelton Benjamin shouldn't be coming out and reciting some lame material written by a 23-yr-old Hollywood writer; it just doesn't work in 2006.
The so-called main event, however, is quickly becoming overshadowed by other characters. Namely, Shawn Michaels, Vince and Shane McMahon and the biggest superstar of them all. Yes, that's right; God. They've gone and booked God in a tag team match at Backlash. There are two possible reasons for this clinically insane move: either they're having a bit of fun, or they seriously expect people to pay $35 to see God make his in-ring debut. I was prepared to accept the former argument (the McMahon family prayer at WrestleMania was brilliant, and I burst out laughing when Vince announced the tag team match), until this week's deranged promo - the birth of McMahonism. You see, Vince LIVES his gimmick. In real life, he likes to think of himself as the man who single handedly killed WCW, took over American wrestling, created Hulk Hogan, The Rock and Stone Cold and changed the face of sports entertainment all by himself. Oh, and the man who "brought the US Government to its knees". So when he does his exaggerated duck walk to the ring and launches his own religion, you have to question how tongue-in-cheek it really is. WWE.COM has a graphic up saying, "My Son, My Son", and a picture of McMahon looking wretched. Apparently he's sending Shane into battle in London, England this Monday against Michaels and God. In other words, forsaking his son. This is one angle where most people are refusing to simply laugh at the irony, and are aiming staunch criticism in McMahon's direction. A Danish newspaper has even been moved to comment (If it's not one thing with them, it's another). Unfortunately, McMahon gets a kick out of negative publicity, and will probably book God and McMahonism for months to give his critics a royal FU. The same man who forgot how to book the nWo, put a wig on Goldberg, booked WCW as a joke, exploits everyone's personal problems (except his own), wastes months with the Diva Search then fires the contestants when they get over, and can't be bothered bring back Stacy Keibler (last seen being cruelly Punk'd in front of an audience that dwarves those of RAW or Smackdown). Since WrestleMania X-7 five long years ago, his company has yet to permanently regain the form of the late Nineties. How on earth is a PPV match with God going to change that? He can throw in all the fire and lightning he wants (and the segment on RAW was a magnificent build for God's debut), but no-one in their right mind is going to stump up cash for a match they know they can't physically see. That's like forcing your Tough Enough contestants to dress like women and prance around in...oh sorry, they've already done that.
Wig: Goldberg
Over on Smackdown, Rey Mysterio is now getting booed by smartasses in the crowd. This really annoys me. I don't if it's something against Mysterio (he does look a little odd carrying around a Heavyweight title), or if he's just another victim of the culture of disrespect sweeping the world. You see it when 2 or 3 people inexplicably boo Matt Hardy on Smackdown; when some twat boos every word Christian says on TNA Impact; when the likes of Kurt Angle and Sting get booed every week. I've noticed this increasingly over the past two or three months, and it's getting on my nerves. Why can't people just go to a show and show a little respect? Why do they have to defy normality and rationality just to show off? Mysterio's title reign will go down the drain if the London crowd turns on him, and given the traditional British TV Taping audience (ie. smarks who think they've "worked out" Cena and Mysterio), I fear for his chances. Still, he and Angle should have a great match. Pity that Benoit vs. Finlay has been moved to next week so London can bear witness to Lashley vs. Mark Henry. Could be a long night for the Colorado Springs, Colorado native.
WWE Communications Snafu of the Week: The pillocks at Stamford have no idea if Stacy Keibler is coming to Belfast or not. On Easter Sunday (probably promted by God, as preparation for his tag match), The Belfast Telegraph reported Stacy as appearing this Tuedsay at a signing session in Eason's. Thing is, she hasn't been seen at a WWE event since September, and it would be improbably stupid to bar her from WrestleMania and then send her to Northern Ireland to meet a few dozen people. Although it would also be giving something back to the fans - remember that concept Vince? Anyway, HMV then claimed she would be there on Wedneday signing books with Rey Mysterio, a claim later retracted by their website. To cut a long story short, she'll probably not be there, and is unlikely ever to appear with the WWE again. And I live near Belfast. Pity, that. If she happens to turn up after all, and I'm not there, the WWE will never hear the end of it. They can't expect me to book train and boat tickets and one night's accommodation, on the off chance they can bother their asses flying her over. Shoddy, Vince. Plain shoddy. I'll remember that when you're booking a Giant Khali & Mark Henry vs. Jesus & Moses match at Armageddon.
The so-called main event, however, is quickly becoming overshadowed by other characters. Namely, Shawn Michaels, Vince and Shane McMahon and the biggest superstar of them all. Yes, that's right; God. They've gone and booked God in a tag team match at Backlash. There are two possible reasons for this clinically insane move: either they're having a bit of fun, or they seriously expect people to pay $35 to see God make his in-ring debut. I was prepared to accept the former argument (the McMahon family prayer at WrestleMania was brilliant, and I burst out laughing when Vince announced the tag team match), until this week's deranged promo - the birth of McMahonism. You see, Vince LIVES his gimmick. In real life, he likes to think of himself as the man who single handedly killed WCW, took over American wrestling, created Hulk Hogan, The Rock and Stone Cold and changed the face of sports entertainment all by himself. Oh, and the man who "brought the US Government to its knees". So when he does his exaggerated duck walk to the ring and launches his own religion, you have to question how tongue-in-cheek it really is. WWE.COM has a graphic up saying, "My Son, My Son", and a picture of McMahon looking wretched. Apparently he's sending Shane into battle in London, England this Monday against Michaels and God. In other words, forsaking his son. This is one angle where most people are refusing to simply laugh at the irony, and are aiming staunch criticism in McMahon's direction. A Danish newspaper has even been moved to comment (If it's not one thing with them, it's another). Unfortunately, McMahon gets a kick out of negative publicity, and will probably book God and McMahonism for months to give his critics a royal FU. The same man who forgot how to book the nWo, put a wig on Goldberg, booked WCW as a joke, exploits everyone's personal problems (except his own), wastes months with the Diva Search then fires the contestants when they get over, and can't be bothered bring back Stacy Keibler (last seen being cruelly Punk'd in front of an audience that dwarves those of RAW or Smackdown). Since WrestleMania X-7 five long years ago, his company has yet to permanently regain the form of the late Nineties. How on earth is a PPV match with God going to change that? He can throw in all the fire and lightning he wants (and the segment on RAW was a magnificent build for God's debut), but no-one in their right mind is going to stump up cash for a match they know they can't physically see. That's like forcing your Tough Enough contestants to dress like women and prance around in...oh sorry, they've already done that.
Wig: Goldberg
Over on Smackdown, Rey Mysterio is now getting booed by smartasses in the crowd. This really annoys me. I don't if it's something against Mysterio (he does look a little odd carrying around a Heavyweight title), or if he's just another victim of the culture of disrespect sweeping the world. You see it when 2 or 3 people inexplicably boo Matt Hardy on Smackdown; when some twat boos every word Christian says on TNA Impact; when the likes of Kurt Angle and Sting get booed every week. I've noticed this increasingly over the past two or three months, and it's getting on my nerves. Why can't people just go to a show and show a little respect? Why do they have to defy normality and rationality just to show off? Mysterio's title reign will go down the drain if the London crowd turns on him, and given the traditional British TV Taping audience (ie. smarks who think they've "worked out" Cena and Mysterio), I fear for his chances. Still, he and Angle should have a great match. Pity that Benoit vs. Finlay has been moved to next week so London can bear witness to Lashley vs. Mark Henry. Could be a long night for the Colorado Springs, Colorado native.
WWE Communications Snafu of the Week: The pillocks at Stamford have no idea if Stacy Keibler is coming to Belfast or not. On Easter Sunday (probably promted by God, as preparation for his tag match), The Belfast Telegraph reported Stacy as appearing this Tuedsay at a signing session in Eason's. Thing is, she hasn't been seen at a WWE event since September, and it would be improbably stupid to bar her from WrestleMania and then send her to Northern Ireland to meet a few dozen people. Although it would also be giving something back to the fans - remember that concept Vince? Anyway, HMV then claimed she would be there on Wedneday signing books with Rey Mysterio, a claim later retracted by their website. To cut a long story short, she'll probably not be there, and is unlikely ever to appear with the WWE again. And I live near Belfast. Pity, that. If she happens to turn up after all, and I'm not there, the WWE will never hear the end of it. They can't expect me to book train and boat tickets and one night's accommodation, on the off chance they can bother their asses flying her over. Shoddy, Vince. Plain shoddy. I'll remember that when you're booking a Giant Khali & Mark Henry vs. Jesus & Moses match at Armageddon.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Cena dethrones Conan
WrestleMania Big Time Countdown: - 5 days.
One word. Wow.
This year's WrestleMania extravaganza was always going to be unique. The babyface WWE Champion getting the most boos going into the event; The emotion over Eddie Guerrero still raw, still being exploited; the prospect of a Vince Mcmahon vs. Shawn Michaels match with no Bret Hart interference; The Boogeyman. And notably, the last minute inclusion of Good Ol' JR. But I don't think anyone could have predicted events to transpire quite the way they did. One way or another, the WWE served up an event that will live long in the memory of wrestling fans.
*Warning - contains RAW spoilers. Anyone who doesn't want to know the results - get out now*
Michelle Williams of ex-Destiny's Child fame started the show with a rendition of America the Beautiful. Any celebrity endorsement they can get is a good thing.
Big Show & Kane def. Chris Masters to retain the World Tag Team Championships. This was a good little opener, but I was highly disappointed at the result, feeling that Carlito's momentum had been squandered yet again. Of course, it all made sense the next night on RAW, as the Spirit Squad shocked the world by felling the giants, and Carlito finally turned face on Masters. It's very important that they give Carlito a chance now, and don't book him into the ground. It was clear to see he was one of the more popular wrestlers in Chiacgo.
RVD won the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. An out and out spotfest, unsurprisingly. Props go to Hardy, Flair and Benjamin for their ridiculous bumps, and RVD, Lashley and Finlay were also on fire. Flair shouldn't be let anywhere near a ladder though: the man is 57 years old, for goodness sake. Interesting to see when RVD cashes in the proverbial cheque - after his promo on RAW, it could well be at ECW's One Night Stand. That would be an occasion. RVD-HHH in the Hammerstein Ballroom would have an unbelievable atmosphere. Come to think of it, RVD-Cena would be even louder.
On Fire: Finlay
The Hall of Fame inductees were out next. I guess Bret still isn't comfortable about an on-screen return, despite the fact that the Hall of Fame was broadcast live the night before. Each to their own. The reaction for Eddie was a special moment.
JBL def. Chris Benoit to win the US Championship. Good match. I'm not comfortable with heels exploiting Eddie Guerrero's mannerisms for cheap heat, but I presume Benoit agreed to it beforehand. JBL is a perfect choice for US Champion, occupying the upper-midcard heel spot he should have had all along.
Edge def. Mick Foley in a Hardcore Match. A classic. Anyone who doubted whether Foley had a memorable WrestleMania match left in him is too cynical for my liking. As I exclusively predicted, Lita looked superb standing at ringside for 20 minutes (shock horror). Foley praised her role in the match in his very own blog, proving that she does indeed rule. The image of Edge and Foley flying through the ropes into the burning table will not be forgotten for a long time. This match cemented Edge's main event credentials, and was probably the reason he was promoted to the Cena-HHH angle on RAW. About time, I say. The addition of Joey Styles at the commentary box was also welcome, as he never should have been unceremoniusly ditched from Mania in the first place.
Booker T and Sharmell participated in a hilarious backstage segment with Paul Birchill, Snitsky, Mae Young, Eugene, Ted Dibiase and Goldust. It was great to see BookDust reunited for one night only, and they should do FAR more of these comedic segments. Just leave Mae Young out of them in future.
Boogeyman def. Booker T & Sharmell. Boogeyman needs to learn more moves in OVW. That is all.
Mickie James def. Trish Stratus to win Women's Championship. A very good match. This is where the crowd got interesting. They had previously booed Big Show, Hardy and Lashley for assaulting Carlito, RVD and Flair respectively, but the reactions were far from deafening. However, in an attempt to wake themselves up from the Boogeyman match, they proceeded to cheer the frig out of Mickie James, the heel. This made the match even more entertaining, but presented a clear problem - Trish, the babyface, was promptly booed put of the building for the first time in her career. Jerry "The King" Lawler, thinking on his feet, called the fans "physchos", which is a wonderful way to sell tickets for future WWE live events. The ending was unfortunately botched, but it didn't matter - Mickie won convincingly, and is the WWE's best female character since they forgot how to book Lita as a face.
Undertaker def. Mark Henry in a Casket Match. Simple but effective. I told you the match would exceed everyone's low expectations, and it did. Take's dive over the top rope was spectacular for a 44-yr-old 300-pounder, and the tombstone to Henry drew a collective gasp from the 17,000 sellout crowd. Of course, there was only going to be one winner.
Shawn Michaels def. Vincent Kennedy McMahon in a No Holds Barred Match. Quality action from start to finish, which was the only way they were going to drown out the "We Want Bret" chants. Similar to the Casket Match, everyone expected a stinker and was pleasantly surprised. Vince usually has entertaining matches on PPV, and Michaels gave another classic WrestleMania performance. Not sure that all the DX mannerisms are in correlation with his religious beliefs, though.
Rey Mystero def. Randy Orton & Kurt Angle to win the World Heavyweight Championship. This is where the booking, which had previously been flawless, started to go off the rails. They gave this match 9 minutes, Yes, that's right - 9 (NINE) minutes for the World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania, featuring three of the greatest performers in modern-day wrestling. And to top it all, the crowd turned on Mysterio. A few months ago this would have been unthinkable, as Mysetrio was the one person in the company who I never saw receiving any boos. Once agin, it started as ferverent pro-Angle support, and gardually degenerated into anti-Mysterio hatred. Not that it had much time to adapt, as they were only give nine frigging minutes. In the midst of all this, Orton was receiving less and less heat (with the booing inexplicably transferred to Mysterio), and the Chiacgo crowd actually booed the 619 and West Coast Pop delivered on the nine minute mark. There was no time for anything more, of course, so Mysterio won the belt, hoisted it above his head (it's almost as big as him), and rushed to the ramp to be congratulated by Chavo and Vickie. And in a flash, it was all over. I sure hope his title reign is more successful than this suggested, as it was a heck of a half-hearted coronation. No pyros, no ticker tape. Just a remarkably split crowd, not knowing whether to boo or cheer the underdog and long-time friend of Eddie Guerrero. The bookers had a tough job ruining the babyface character of Rey Mysterio, but it looks like they've almost managed it.
After that, the Toronto-esque crowd (ie. littered with internet smarts who still think it's cool to boo all the faces) were not in the best of moods. When John Cena appeared on their screens in a backstage segment, they darned near flipped. But that was to be expected - Cena has been booed before and he'll be booed again. But the show was nearing its conclusion and needed a fitting main event. Which led us nicely to...
Torrie Wilson def. Candice Michelle in a Playboy Pillow Fight. Oh dear. Someone forgot to tell Vince how to book the order of his matches. Anyone who saw WrestleMania X-8 will remember the way Jazz, Lita and Trish wrestled in front of a slient crowd, who had just seen the spectacle of Rock-Hogan and were waiting for the Jericho vs. Triple H title match.
John Cena def. HHH to retain the WWE Championship. After all of that, this could have been disasterous. Luckily, it was captivating. The internet smarks (last seeing booing that despicable scumbag, Rey Mysterio) were so anti-Cena that it actually galvanised the Cena fans, and the result was one of the most heated matches I've ever seen in the WWE. The atmosphere was quite simple incredible, and the company have somehow stumbled across the hottest gimmick in wrestling today. Not by design, of course (the last time WWE booked a gimmick to its full potential Osama bin Laden was trying to find fame on the Afghan Big Brother), as WWE booked Cena lousily by moving him to the RAW brand, away from the Chain Gang-supporting children of Smackdown, and took away the edge from his previously cool gimmick. But WWE now features the most unpopular babyface champion in wrestling history. This produces main events unlike anything else you'll see in professional wrestling, and the Mania match with Triple H was nothing short of unforgettable, as the crowd cheered and booed Cena and the Game with unbelievable vigour. A word of warning to HHH, though - in future, don't cut the Smackdown World Title match to 9 (NINE) minutes by dressing up as Conan the Barbarian on a throne. It makes you look like a fool. The match itself was basic at best, but then, so was Hogan-Rock and the crowd turned that into a legendary encounter. Cena shocked the world by defeating the King of Kings (presumbaly postponing his coronation to Backlash), and the crowd's intensity at the end almost made up for their ludircous actions earlier. Cena is now establised as a face who most people hate, but who keeps on digging deep for the most remarkable victories in the face of adversity. In a weird sort of way, this character could draw. The buyrate and crowd reactions for the Cena-HHH-Edge main event at Backlash will be very interesting, and wherever they go from here, they have accidentally created their hottest character in a long, long time.
All that's left is for me to reward the superstar who put in the patented Performance of the Week, and it can only go to one person - Stacy Keibler. You see, she did she smart thing not going to Chicago. The way things were going, she probably would have been booed out of the bulding as well, and treated to chants of "You Sold Out". Much in the same way Brock Lesnar was told he "Sold Out" when he left a multi-million dollar contract to earn peanuts in the NFL reserve team. Funny game, wrestling.
One word. Wow.
This year's WrestleMania extravaganza was always going to be unique. The babyface WWE Champion getting the most boos going into the event; The emotion over Eddie Guerrero still raw, still being exploited; the prospect of a Vince Mcmahon vs. Shawn Michaels match with no Bret Hart interference; The Boogeyman. And notably, the last minute inclusion of Good Ol' JR. But I don't think anyone could have predicted events to transpire quite the way they did. One way or another, the WWE served up an event that will live long in the memory of wrestling fans.
*Warning - contains RAW spoilers. Anyone who doesn't want to know the results - get out now*
Michelle Williams of ex-Destiny's Child fame started the show with a rendition of America the Beautiful. Any celebrity endorsement they can get is a good thing.
Big Show & Kane def. Chris Masters to retain the World Tag Team Championships. This was a good little opener, but I was highly disappointed at the result, feeling that Carlito's momentum had been squandered yet again. Of course, it all made sense the next night on RAW, as the Spirit Squad shocked the world by felling the giants, and Carlito finally turned face on Masters. It's very important that they give Carlito a chance now, and don't book him into the ground. It was clear to see he was one of the more popular wrestlers in Chiacgo.
RVD won the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. An out and out spotfest, unsurprisingly. Props go to Hardy, Flair and Benjamin for their ridiculous bumps, and RVD, Lashley and Finlay were also on fire. Flair shouldn't be let anywhere near a ladder though: the man is 57 years old, for goodness sake. Interesting to see when RVD cashes in the proverbial cheque - after his promo on RAW, it could well be at ECW's One Night Stand. That would be an occasion. RVD-HHH in the Hammerstein Ballroom would have an unbelievable atmosphere. Come to think of it, RVD-Cena would be even louder.
On Fire: Finlay
The Hall of Fame inductees were out next. I guess Bret still isn't comfortable about an on-screen return, despite the fact that the Hall of Fame was broadcast live the night before. Each to their own. The reaction for Eddie was a special moment.
JBL def. Chris Benoit to win the US Championship. Good match. I'm not comfortable with heels exploiting Eddie Guerrero's mannerisms for cheap heat, but I presume Benoit agreed to it beforehand. JBL is a perfect choice for US Champion, occupying the upper-midcard heel spot he should have had all along.
Edge def. Mick Foley in a Hardcore Match. A classic. Anyone who doubted whether Foley had a memorable WrestleMania match left in him is too cynical for my liking. As I exclusively predicted, Lita looked superb standing at ringside for 20 minutes (shock horror). Foley praised her role in the match in his very own blog, proving that she does indeed rule. The image of Edge and Foley flying through the ropes into the burning table will not be forgotten for a long time. This match cemented Edge's main event credentials, and was probably the reason he was promoted to the Cena-HHH angle on RAW. About time, I say. The addition of Joey Styles at the commentary box was also welcome, as he never should have been unceremoniusly ditched from Mania in the first place.
Booker T and Sharmell participated in a hilarious backstage segment with Paul Birchill, Snitsky, Mae Young, Eugene, Ted Dibiase and Goldust. It was great to see BookDust reunited for one night only, and they should do FAR more of these comedic segments. Just leave Mae Young out of them in future.
Boogeyman def. Booker T & Sharmell. Boogeyman needs to learn more moves in OVW. That is all.
Mickie James def. Trish Stratus to win Women's Championship. A very good match. This is where the crowd got interesting. They had previously booed Big Show, Hardy and Lashley for assaulting Carlito, RVD and Flair respectively, but the reactions were far from deafening. However, in an attempt to wake themselves up from the Boogeyman match, they proceeded to cheer the frig out of Mickie James, the heel. This made the match even more entertaining, but presented a clear problem - Trish, the babyface, was promptly booed put of the building for the first time in her career. Jerry "The King" Lawler, thinking on his feet, called the fans "physchos", which is a wonderful way to sell tickets for future WWE live events. The ending was unfortunately botched, but it didn't matter - Mickie won convincingly, and is the WWE's best female character since they forgot how to book Lita as a face.
Undertaker def. Mark Henry in a Casket Match. Simple but effective. I told you the match would exceed everyone's low expectations, and it did. Take's dive over the top rope was spectacular for a 44-yr-old 300-pounder, and the tombstone to Henry drew a collective gasp from the 17,000 sellout crowd. Of course, there was only going to be one winner.
Shawn Michaels def. Vincent Kennedy McMahon in a No Holds Barred Match. Quality action from start to finish, which was the only way they were going to drown out the "We Want Bret" chants. Similar to the Casket Match, everyone expected a stinker and was pleasantly surprised. Vince usually has entertaining matches on PPV, and Michaels gave another classic WrestleMania performance. Not sure that all the DX mannerisms are in correlation with his religious beliefs, though.
Rey Mystero def. Randy Orton & Kurt Angle to win the World Heavyweight Championship. This is where the booking, which had previously been flawless, started to go off the rails. They gave this match 9 minutes, Yes, that's right - 9 (NINE) minutes for the World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania, featuring three of the greatest performers in modern-day wrestling. And to top it all, the crowd turned on Mysterio. A few months ago this would have been unthinkable, as Mysetrio was the one person in the company who I never saw receiving any boos. Once agin, it started as ferverent pro-Angle support, and gardually degenerated into anti-Mysterio hatred. Not that it had much time to adapt, as they were only give nine frigging minutes. In the midst of all this, Orton was receiving less and less heat (with the booing inexplicably transferred to Mysterio), and the Chiacgo crowd actually booed the 619 and West Coast Pop delivered on the nine minute mark. There was no time for anything more, of course, so Mysterio won the belt, hoisted it above his head (it's almost as big as him), and rushed to the ramp to be congratulated by Chavo and Vickie. And in a flash, it was all over. I sure hope his title reign is more successful than this suggested, as it was a heck of a half-hearted coronation. No pyros, no ticker tape. Just a remarkably split crowd, not knowing whether to boo or cheer the underdog and long-time friend of Eddie Guerrero. The bookers had a tough job ruining the babyface character of Rey Mysterio, but it looks like they've almost managed it.
After that, the Toronto-esque crowd (ie. littered with internet smarts who still think it's cool to boo all the faces) were not in the best of moods. When John Cena appeared on their screens in a backstage segment, they darned near flipped. But that was to be expected - Cena has been booed before and he'll be booed again. But the show was nearing its conclusion and needed a fitting main event. Which led us nicely to...
Torrie Wilson def. Candice Michelle in a Playboy Pillow Fight. Oh dear. Someone forgot to tell Vince how to book the order of his matches. Anyone who saw WrestleMania X-8 will remember the way Jazz, Lita and Trish wrestled in front of a slient crowd, who had just seen the spectacle of Rock-Hogan and were waiting for the Jericho vs. Triple H title match.
Rule # 48 of professional wrestling: DO NOT, under any circumstances, sandwich two non-wrestlers between the two main events. The crowd will almost certainly turn on the match.And they did. About 30 seconds in, we were treated to a "BORING" chant, as Wilson and Michelle fumbled their way about the ring in a match that looked like it had been put together by Stevie Wonder after a night out with John Leslie. It's not really the women's fault - they were put in the position by the clinically insane WWE scriptwriters, who didn't even have the common sense to place this earlier in the card. The only thing that could have saved this debacle was the Stacy Keibler return, but they couldn't even be bothered booking that. Even when a good idea (and publicity coup) stares them in the face, they can't bring themselves to book logical angles. When Candice buried Stacy in her RAW promo last month, what purpose did it serve? If she's not being brought back (and after Mania, I severely doubt it), it was utterly pointless in a business sense. And Vince, after all, prides himself on being a good businessman. With Keibler absent this was an utter waste of time, and reinforced that you can't build your hopes up too much where WWE are involved.
John Cena def. HHH to retain the WWE Championship. After all of that, this could have been disasterous. Luckily, it was captivating. The internet smarks (last seeing booing that despicable scumbag, Rey Mysterio) were so anti-Cena that it actually galvanised the Cena fans, and the result was one of the most heated matches I've ever seen in the WWE. The atmosphere was quite simple incredible, and the company have somehow stumbled across the hottest gimmick in wrestling today. Not by design, of course (the last time WWE booked a gimmick to its full potential Osama bin Laden was trying to find fame on the Afghan Big Brother), as WWE booked Cena lousily by moving him to the RAW brand, away from the Chain Gang-supporting children of Smackdown, and took away the edge from his previously cool gimmick. But WWE now features the most unpopular babyface champion in wrestling history. This produces main events unlike anything else you'll see in professional wrestling, and the Mania match with Triple H was nothing short of unforgettable, as the crowd cheered and booed Cena and the Game with unbelievable vigour. A word of warning to HHH, though - in future, don't cut the Smackdown World Title match to 9 (NINE) minutes by dressing up as Conan the Barbarian on a throne. It makes you look like a fool. The match itself was basic at best, but then, so was Hogan-Rock and the crowd turned that into a legendary encounter. Cena shocked the world by defeating the King of Kings (presumbaly postponing his coronation to Backlash), and the crowd's intensity at the end almost made up for their ludircous actions earlier. Cena is now establised as a face who most people hate, but who keeps on digging deep for the most remarkable victories in the face of adversity. In a weird sort of way, this character could draw. The buyrate and crowd reactions for the Cena-HHH-Edge main event at Backlash will be very interesting, and wherever they go from here, they have accidentally created their hottest character in a long, long time.
All that's left is for me to reward the superstar who put in the patented Performance of the Week, and it can only go to one person - Stacy Keibler. You see, she did she smart thing not going to Chicago. The way things were going, she probably would have been booed out of the bulding as well, and treated to chants of "You Sold Out". Much in the same way Brock Lesnar was told he "Sold Out" when he left a multi-million dollar contract to earn peanuts in the NFL reserve team. Funny game, wrestling.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Mysterio's Time to Shine?
WrestleMania Big Time Countdown: 0 days.
As I exclusively predicted last week, RAW in Omaha was a roaring success with the crowd. They should go to Omaha whenever they need a hot crowd before a PPV. Come to think of it, they should go there whenever they have a Smackdown PPV to shoot; then we wouldn't have to sit through such sleep-inducing events as No Mercy, Armageddon and No Way Out with a dead crowd. I'm reliably informed that the Vince McMahon vs. John Cena main event drew one of the highest ratings for a single match in a few years, at 4.99. No doubt the anti-Cena lot will ignore that, for obvious reasons.
Smackdown was also a good show, if not quite an unforgettable climax to the Road to WrestleMania. Kansas City was another blistering crowd (of UK proportions, I might add), and there was almost no need for the ludicrous fake noise they pipe in on a weekly basis. Lashley continues to mature in the ring, and is building up momentum to a level I haven't seen since the meteroic rises of Batista and Lesnar. My earlier fears of a Lashley vs. Sylvan match in Chicago were thankfully not realised, and "The Real Deal" has a shot at winning the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. This guy needs handled with care, otherwise his connection with the fans will disappear before you can say "Austin vs. Coach at Taboo Tuesday".
Lashley: Building Momentum
Performances of the Week :-
Joey Styles. Let's face it, to turn up at RAW after getting pulled from WrestleMania on your company's website - that takes some serious swallowing of pride. I feel he should be praised by default.
Lashley. See above. The company needs a guy to come out, pull mean faces and beat up everybody. He's their best hope at the moment.
John Cena. Excellent pre-recorded promo on RAW. Were it not for the rampant hatred from the hardcore fans (and the fact HHH saunters round looking cool, thus deflecting all the cheers), this would be enough to make him the babyface going into Mania. As it was, it was probably too little, too late.
Rey Mysterio. He really has the fans behind him at the right time. His promo on Smackdown was so rabidly cheered by the Kansas City fans that they ended up booing the frig out of Kurt Angle, the face champion. Angle will get a lot of support in Chicago, but I still see Mysterio being the fan favourite. The WWE simply HAVE to capitalise on this, as they've missed the boat on far too many occasions before (Invasion, ECW, nWo, Goldberg, Bischoff etc). Install Rey as the champion, see what happens to the ratings and attendances, and take it from there. See, wasn't that hard to organise.
I'm rapidly running out of time, so it's only right I give a rundown of the card with my predictions on the winners and losers respectively:-
Big Show & Kane vs. Chris Masters & Carlito - World Tag Team Championships: The young guns could well cause an upset here. Someone has to stop the monstrous 820-pound duo, and the gimmick of the tag champs not getting along has been experimented with before. That is, of course, assuming they want to do a darned thing with the tag division. That could be asking too much.
Booker T & Sharmell vs. The Boogeyman: Boogeyman in a short match. Anything else is asking for trouble.
JBL vs. Chris Benoit - US Championship: JBL. It's been a long time since he tasted gold (is that a phrase?), and Chicago could be where he finds success again. This has the potential to be a FAR better match than you'd think.
Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson - Playboy Pillow Fight: Candice. If Stacy Keibler doesn't return after the match, then WWE have just wasted the opportunity of a lifetime for some positive publicity. But then, they've probably not even thought of that idea, as it doesn't involve Survivor Series 1997, HHH or Vince McMahon's ass. Some things will never change.
Publicity: Keibler
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James - WWE Women's Championship: The best built women's feud in years reaches its climax. Mickie has to win, for logic's sake. For any WWE employees, that's logic - L. O. G. I. C.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match: By process of elimination (like the Chamber), Lashley or Flair have to win. But my good friend Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer (put it this way - he's printed my e-mails before without a hint of disagreement) says RVD could take the briefcase all the way to ECW One Night Stand to challenge HHH for the WWE Title. I know, it makes no sense to me either. Even though a Lashley victory makes a little more long-term sense, I'd say Flair. He may well have one more run at the top left in him.
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry - Casket Match: Undertaker. That's it, really. Everyone will go in expecting a stinker and be surprised by the match quality. Mark my words.
Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels - No Holds Barred: I know they tried to get Bret involved for three months and he refused at every opportunity. Vince probably didn't have much of a Plan B, so expect a dramatic bloodbath and a Michaels victory in the face of Shane interference.
Edge vs. Mick Foley - Hardcore Match: Foley desires that one legendary WrestleMania moment, and he has every chance of pulling it off here. Edge has to win, but then they cut off his momentum in January, so they could easily do it again. Lita will be at ringside for a good 20 minutes, so the match is already a classic in my eyes.
Triple H vs. John Cena - WWE Championship: This is where it gets tricky. Until the weekend, I'd predicted an emphatic HHH victory. However, HHH has committed nothing short of career burial in his promos on Cena, so WWE might well spring a surprise and give the Champ a stay of execution. Wither way, the "King of Kings" is getting re-coronated by Backlash. Cena will be booed mercilessly, possibly on an unforseen scale.
Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle - World Heavyweight Championship: The other half of the jigsaw, to so speak. Vince loves to end Mania with a babyface victory (the only time a heel won, in 2000, The Rock gave The People's Elbow to the entire McMahon family to placate the fans), so Mysterio could end the show in floods of tears surrounded by Benoit, Chavo and even Dean Malenko. It's the picture-perfect end to the show, for obvious reasons, and as a tribute to Guerrero, it's a million miles from the "Eddie's in hell" debacle. But I was led to believe their long-term plans were to give Orton the belt. Either way, either Cena or Mysterio will most likely end the show celebrating. But since Cena is bound to be booed of of the All-State Arena, the matter is confused further. The order of the card will be very telling in deciding how the two main events go and, ultimately, how the company goes after WrestleMania. Rumour has it that plans have changed half a dozen times over the weekend, and that Vince doesn't have a clue where the comapny goes from here. He's clearly been too busy trying to look all macho in his 'Muscle and Fitness' shoot.
But however the cookie crumbles (proverbially), WrestleMania is bound to be a frig of a show. Will Hogan or Austin show up? Will the impossible happen (a Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels punch-up? Will the scriptwriters finally remember who Stacy Keibler is? Whatever happens, it's sure to be a pretty unforgettable night. For better or worse, it's been that sort of year.
As I exclusively predicted last week, RAW in Omaha was a roaring success with the crowd. They should go to Omaha whenever they need a hot crowd before a PPV. Come to think of it, they should go there whenever they have a Smackdown PPV to shoot; then we wouldn't have to sit through such sleep-inducing events as No Mercy, Armageddon and No Way Out with a dead crowd. I'm reliably informed that the Vince McMahon vs. John Cena main event drew one of the highest ratings for a single match in a few years, at 4.99. No doubt the anti-Cena lot will ignore that, for obvious reasons.
Smackdown was also a good show, if not quite an unforgettable climax to the Road to WrestleMania. Kansas City was another blistering crowd (of UK proportions, I might add), and there was almost no need for the ludicrous fake noise they pipe in on a weekly basis. Lashley continues to mature in the ring, and is building up momentum to a level I haven't seen since the meteroic rises of Batista and Lesnar. My earlier fears of a Lashley vs. Sylvan match in Chicago were thankfully not realised, and "The Real Deal" has a shot at winning the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. This guy needs handled with care, otherwise his connection with the fans will disappear before you can say "Austin vs. Coach at Taboo Tuesday".
Lashley: Building Momentum
Performances of the Week :-
Joey Styles. Let's face it, to turn up at RAW after getting pulled from WrestleMania on your company's website - that takes some serious swallowing of pride. I feel he should be praised by default.
Lashley. See above. The company needs a guy to come out, pull mean faces and beat up everybody. He's their best hope at the moment.
John Cena. Excellent pre-recorded promo on RAW. Were it not for the rampant hatred from the hardcore fans (and the fact HHH saunters round looking cool, thus deflecting all the cheers), this would be enough to make him the babyface going into Mania. As it was, it was probably too little, too late.
Rey Mysterio. He really has the fans behind him at the right time. His promo on Smackdown was so rabidly cheered by the Kansas City fans that they ended up booing the frig out of Kurt Angle, the face champion. Angle will get a lot of support in Chicago, but I still see Mysterio being the fan favourite. The WWE simply HAVE to capitalise on this, as they've missed the boat on far too many occasions before (Invasion, ECW, nWo, Goldberg, Bischoff etc). Install Rey as the champion, see what happens to the ratings and attendances, and take it from there. See, wasn't that hard to organise.
I'm rapidly running out of time, so it's only right I give a rundown of the card with my predictions on the winners and losers respectively:-
Big Show & Kane vs. Chris Masters & Carlito - World Tag Team Championships: The young guns could well cause an upset here. Someone has to stop the monstrous 820-pound duo, and the gimmick of the tag champs not getting along has been experimented with before. That is, of course, assuming they want to do a darned thing with the tag division. That could be asking too much.
Booker T & Sharmell vs. The Boogeyman: Boogeyman in a short match. Anything else is asking for trouble.
JBL vs. Chris Benoit - US Championship: JBL. It's been a long time since he tasted gold (is that a phrase?), and Chicago could be where he finds success again. This has the potential to be a FAR better match than you'd think.
Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson - Playboy Pillow Fight: Candice. If Stacy Keibler doesn't return after the match, then WWE have just wasted the opportunity of a lifetime for some positive publicity. But then, they've probably not even thought of that idea, as it doesn't involve Survivor Series 1997, HHH or Vince McMahon's ass. Some things will never change.
Publicity: Keibler
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James - WWE Women's Championship: The best built women's feud in years reaches its climax. Mickie has to win, for logic's sake. For any WWE employees, that's logic - L. O. G. I. C.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match: By process of elimination (like the Chamber), Lashley or Flair have to win. But my good friend Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer (put it this way - he's printed my e-mails before without a hint of disagreement) says RVD could take the briefcase all the way to ECW One Night Stand to challenge HHH for the WWE Title. I know, it makes no sense to me either. Even though a Lashley victory makes a little more long-term sense, I'd say Flair. He may well have one more run at the top left in him.
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry - Casket Match: Undertaker. That's it, really. Everyone will go in expecting a stinker and be surprised by the match quality. Mark my words.
Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels - No Holds Barred: I know they tried to get Bret involved for three months and he refused at every opportunity. Vince probably didn't have much of a Plan B, so expect a dramatic bloodbath and a Michaels victory in the face of Shane interference.
Edge vs. Mick Foley - Hardcore Match: Foley desires that one legendary WrestleMania moment, and he has every chance of pulling it off here. Edge has to win, but then they cut off his momentum in January, so they could easily do it again. Lita will be at ringside for a good 20 minutes, so the match is already a classic in my eyes.
Triple H vs. John Cena - WWE Championship: This is where it gets tricky. Until the weekend, I'd predicted an emphatic HHH victory. However, HHH has committed nothing short of career burial in his promos on Cena, so WWE might well spring a surprise and give the Champ a stay of execution. Wither way, the "King of Kings" is getting re-coronated by Backlash. Cena will be booed mercilessly, possibly on an unforseen scale.
Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle - World Heavyweight Championship: The other half of the jigsaw, to so speak. Vince loves to end Mania with a babyface victory (the only time a heel won, in 2000, The Rock gave The People's Elbow to the entire McMahon family to placate the fans), so Mysterio could end the show in floods of tears surrounded by Benoit, Chavo and even Dean Malenko. It's the picture-perfect end to the show, for obvious reasons, and as a tribute to Guerrero, it's a million miles from the "Eddie's in hell" debacle. But I was led to believe their long-term plans were to give Orton the belt. Either way, either Cena or Mysterio will most likely end the show celebrating. But since Cena is bound to be booed of of the All-State Arena, the matter is confused further. The order of the card will be very telling in deciding how the two main events go and, ultimately, how the company goes after WrestleMania. Rumour has it that plans have changed half a dozen times over the weekend, and that Vince doesn't have a clue where the comapny goes from here. He's clearly been too busy trying to look all macho in his 'Muscle and Fitness' shoot.
But however the cookie crumbles (proverbially), WrestleMania is bound to be a frig of a show. Will Hogan or Austin show up? Will the impossible happen (a Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels punch-up? Will the scriptwriters finally remember who Stacy Keibler is? Whatever happens, it's sure to be a pretty unforgettable night. For better or worse, it's been that sort of year.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Bittersweet Symphony
WrestleMania Big Time Countdown: 8 days.
Firstly, I have to apologise for my heinous error in the last blog. Saturday Night's Main Event actually drew a 3.1, and not a 3.2 as I had stated. I bet Vince says it's JR's fault. Anyway, the situation at Stamford as we rapidly approach WrestleMania is confusing to say the least. WWE have just posted their best run of RAW ratings in four long years, and are entering their most financially successful spell for some time. However, they continue to produce lackluster television and, after the Orton-Mysterio-Guerrero debacle, have turned away many of their most dedicated fans. SNME tanked on NBC, and No Way Out was a disasterous return to the Pay-Per-View buyrates of 2004. If it wasn't for the new international fans, they'd actually be struggling to break even on the PPV's at the moment. Can you believe that? Meanwhile Vince allows John Laurinatius to fire midcarders at his own free will, while picking up $47m a year. Confusing? You bet.
Performances of the Week:-
Mick Foley.If ever a storyline needed a classic promo, this was the time. And he delivered this past week on RAW. You can always call on Foley to inject passion and drama into a feud when the chips are down (not literally). The intensity of his promos is almost unmatched in wrestling today, and you have to wonder what a Flair-Foley feud would be like if the two of them put aside their rather petty issues. I don't know what he was thinking when he publicly buried his books though. It's all very well being honest with your fans, but saying that "nobody" reads your literary work is stretching it a bit. And as for spurning Lita's advances? What were you thinking Mick?
Advances: Lita
Mickie James. Her promo this week was superb, and we truly have a women's feud the fans are interested in. Cena vs. Edge and Mickie vs. Ashley were the only matches at the Royal Rumble with any interest going in, (the Rumble match itself was surely the worst promoted Rumble in history), and Mickie vs. Trish is one of most intriguing clashes in Chicago.
Finlay. His name is Finlay. And he loves to fight. And have entertaining brawls with Rey Mysterio.
Booker T and Sharmell. They both deserve awards for the entertainment and interest they've created in the Boogeyman feud. Similar to the Edge-Cena angle of January, they're so great as heels that fans actually want the worm-guzzling weirdo (alliteration) to destroy them at WrestleMania. Although I have to admit, that walk he does is quite funny.
Weird: Boogeyman
With only a week to go, 'The Grand Daddy of Them All' is finally shaping up to be a great show. Trouble is, WrestleMania isn't supposed to be just great. It's supposed to be spell-binding, memorable, legendary, awe-inspiring. At this point, I reckon only the McMahon-Michaels match has the potential to live up to the hype of past Mania's, and even that would require a Bret Hart run-in (which is highly unlikely to happen). Yes, the Angle-Orton-Mysterio match could be a classic, but I have a sneaking suspicion they'll book it into the ground with ref bumps, belt shots and extensive steel chair usage. The match will only go down in history as unforgettable if Rey wins it, and although that sounds like the obvious finish, there's much less chance of it happening than you'd think. Many important people in the company (even after the Matt Hardy debacle, John Laurinatius still has a job) don't consider Mysterio to be a viable option as World Heavyweight Champion, mainly due to his size. Admittedly, it would be rather odd to hear Tony Chimel announce Rey as the Heavyweight Champion of anything. But to deny him the title would be cruel, given his exceptional talent and connection with the fans. When you go to a WWE live event, do you see anyone wearing merchandise of Hardcore Holly or Sylvan? No. Do you see thousands upon thousands of children with John Cena caps and T-Shirts combined with Rey Mysterio masks? Yes. The company needs to capitalise on this, otherwise Smackdown will be having another painful spring into summer...
Todd Grisham is brilliant on Bottom Line. Coach should have stayed on these weekend shows too; they really are his niche.
Grisham: Brilliant
When are the Ashley Missaro haters going to realise that she's popular, likeable and staying for a while? It's pathetic. I managed to practically shut down an Ashley-hating site last week just for defending her. Laughably, they removed the feedback option from all their pages. Say what you want about her wrestling, but you have to realise she was thrown in the ring with no training. It's hardly her fault, is it?
Next week: RAW in Omaha, Nebraska. Out in the middle of nowhere, but Omaha is actually one of those crowds that still make some noise. Should be a cracker.
Firstly, I have to apologise for my heinous error in the last blog. Saturday Night's Main Event actually drew a 3.1, and not a 3.2 as I had stated. I bet Vince says it's JR's fault. Anyway, the situation at Stamford as we rapidly approach WrestleMania is confusing to say the least. WWE have just posted their best run of RAW ratings in four long years, and are entering their most financially successful spell for some time. However, they continue to produce lackluster television and, after the Orton-Mysterio-Guerrero debacle, have turned away many of their most dedicated fans. SNME tanked on NBC, and No Way Out was a disasterous return to the Pay-Per-View buyrates of 2004. If it wasn't for the new international fans, they'd actually be struggling to break even on the PPV's at the moment. Can you believe that? Meanwhile Vince allows John Laurinatius to fire midcarders at his own free will, while picking up $47m a year. Confusing? You bet.
Performances of the Week:-
Mick Foley.If ever a storyline needed a classic promo, this was the time. And he delivered this past week on RAW. You can always call on Foley to inject passion and drama into a feud when the chips are down (not literally). The intensity of his promos is almost unmatched in wrestling today, and you have to wonder what a Flair-Foley feud would be like if the two of them put aside their rather petty issues. I don't know what he was thinking when he publicly buried his books though. It's all very well being honest with your fans, but saying that "nobody" reads your literary work is stretching it a bit. And as for spurning Lita's advances? What were you thinking Mick?
Advances: Lita
Mickie James. Her promo this week was superb, and we truly have a women's feud the fans are interested in. Cena vs. Edge and Mickie vs. Ashley were the only matches at the Royal Rumble with any interest going in, (the Rumble match itself was surely the worst promoted Rumble in history), and Mickie vs. Trish is one of most intriguing clashes in Chicago.
Finlay. His name is Finlay. And he loves to fight. And have entertaining brawls with Rey Mysterio.
Booker T and Sharmell. They both deserve awards for the entertainment and interest they've created in the Boogeyman feud. Similar to the Edge-Cena angle of January, they're so great as heels that fans actually want the worm-guzzling weirdo (alliteration) to destroy them at WrestleMania. Although I have to admit, that walk he does is quite funny.
Weird: Boogeyman
With only a week to go, 'The Grand Daddy of Them All' is finally shaping up to be a great show. Trouble is, WrestleMania isn't supposed to be just great. It's supposed to be spell-binding, memorable, legendary, awe-inspiring. At this point, I reckon only the McMahon-Michaels match has the potential to live up to the hype of past Mania's, and even that would require a Bret Hart run-in (which is highly unlikely to happen). Yes, the Angle-Orton-Mysterio match could be a classic, but I have a sneaking suspicion they'll book it into the ground with ref bumps, belt shots and extensive steel chair usage. The match will only go down in history as unforgettable if Rey wins it, and although that sounds like the obvious finish, there's much less chance of it happening than you'd think. Many important people in the company (even after the Matt Hardy debacle, John Laurinatius still has a job) don't consider Mysterio to be a viable option as World Heavyweight Champion, mainly due to his size. Admittedly, it would be rather odd to hear Tony Chimel announce Rey as the Heavyweight Champion of anything. But to deny him the title would be cruel, given his exceptional talent and connection with the fans. When you go to a WWE live event, do you see anyone wearing merchandise of Hardcore Holly or Sylvan? No. Do you see thousands upon thousands of children with John Cena caps and T-Shirts combined with Rey Mysterio masks? Yes. The company needs to capitalise on this, otherwise Smackdown will be having another painful spring into summer...
Todd Grisham is brilliant on Bottom Line. Coach should have stayed on these weekend shows too; they really are his niche.
Grisham: Brilliant
When are the Ashley Missaro haters going to realise that she's popular, likeable and staying for a while? It's pathetic. I managed to practically shut down an Ashley-hating site last week just for defending her. Laughably, they removed the feedback option from all their pages. Say what you want about her wrestling, but you have to realise she was thrown in the ring with no training. It's hardly her fault, is it?
Next week: RAW in Omaha, Nebraska. Out in the middle of nowhere, but Omaha is actually one of those crowds that still make some noise. Should be a cracker.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Saturday Night's "Flawed" Event
There's very little need for an introduction, since the title gives away the subject in a rather self-explanatory way. In short, this is a WWE blog. So if anyone feels like weighing in with a load of garbage about the wrestling industry (e.g. "YOU MORON! IT'S ALL FAKE! YOU CAN'T WATCH SOMETHING THAT'S FAKE! YOU MORON! I'm away to watch Friends now."), then your feedback can go screw itself. Other than that, all comments are welcome.
With that, I shall begin. Saturday Night's Main Event featured a welcome return to network TV for the WWE, re-establishing a tradition that goes back 20 years. Unfortunately, it tanked. Not the show itself, which featured the cream of the crop from RAW and Smackdown, a string of entertaining segments, an exciting opener and a dramatic main event. But the rating was, for want of a better word, horrendous. A 3.2, to be precise. For comparison, Saturday Night Live usually draws between 6.0 and 7.0, and RAW itself has drawn between 4.0 and 4.5 all year. To the untrained eye it's a baffling one, but closer inspection reveals a string of problems the show had before it even started.
Firstly, wrestling's reputation is in the toilet. No prime time show receives less ad revenue per break (ie. the products advertised on Smackdown are of low value, as the TV industry thinks wrestling fans are the least wealthy demographic in America). Crucially, the teenagers and young adults have been driven away from wrestling by a string of frankly ridiculous storylines. Did anyone think a negrophillia plot is what the company needed in 2002? Vince McMahon and the RAW scriptwriters did. So that's what we got. For the record, the ratings immediately plummeted to 3.0, almost record lows. Did anyone think it would be acceptable to sell out Eddie Guerrero's legacy for a cheap, thoughtless angle involving Randy Orton insulting is memory? Vince McMcahon and the Smackdown scriptwriters did, so that's what we got. Smackdown ratings have stayed below 3.0 since the tacky storyline, and the No Way Out grudge match for Eddie's honour is rumoured to have drawn a similarly poor buyrate. Do I notice a pattern emerging here?
Losing it: McMahon
Thirdly, Triple H has practially run RAW for four years, and people are suffering from HHH fatigue at the moment. So when he took an eight month break from the main event, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was then re-fatigued as he returned to the main event on NBC on Saturday Night. And shock horror, the rating tanked. Now bear in mind, HHH is one of the greatest wrestlers ever. The way he plans out his matches meticulously, brings logic and structure to his storylines and performs flawlessly in the ring is magnificent. He undoubtedly deserves many world title reigns. But TEN? Even the most fanatical HHH fan (I'm presuming there are some out there) would have to admit that's stretching it a tad. Regin No. 11 is predictably starting in a few weeks when he makes John Cena look like a jabroni, and then it'll be off into the horizon, chasing Ric Flair's more meaningful record of 16 world titles. The problem is, no-one takes his quest seriously. Everyone knows that in real life he married the boss's daughter, and can thus muster up another title shot whenever he feels like it. No matter how good he is, it's a fact that he hasn't moved business in the right direction as champion, in the way Batista, John Cena and Edge have recently. You remember Edge, right? The guy who brought RAW its highest ratings since the brand extension in 2002? He's now languishing in the mid-card in a hastily arranged storyline, while the 'King of Kings' plods to his pre-arranged coronation on April 2nd. I doubt the TV audience were filled with glee when they heard that SNME was headlined by matches involving McMahon-Helmsleys. Just because it worked in 2000, doesn't mean it'll work in 2006.
With that said, I have a tremendous amount of respect for HHH's talent. Honest.
The show itself was, as I said, very entertaining. JBL was gold in his segment with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mickie James continued to amaze the world by being part of an interesting women's storyline (did they swap scriptwriters for this?), and we were spared a Boogeyman match. No offence mate, but you were one of the long line of people called up too quickly from OVW. A year from now and your wrestling will probably be up to scratch, by which point it'll be too late. And they say society learns from its mistakes. Still no sign of Stacy Keibler though. The obvious idea is for her to save Torrie Wilson from Candice "Don't call me arrogant" Michelle and Victoria. So obvious that they'll probably overlook her for some heinous angle involving a midget and The Boogeyman's worms. You think I'm joking? While berating the WWE for attempting to relanuch SNME, the press clearly declared their interest in seeing Stacy again. One news outlet said something along the lines of, "We have no interest in watching HHH and The McMahon's step in the ring again. Now book Stacy Keibler, the most famous wrestler in America today, on the show - then we're talking." But they didn't. I guess they couldn't be bothered thinking up a storyline for her. Again.
Keibler: Not booked
RAW was a decent show this past Monday, although the show only really realises its potential when it comes from Texas, the only state in America with a half-decent crowd. When they go the North-East it's like someone's sat a wet newspaper in front of the crowd, they're so quiet. Unless they're booing the frig out of John Cena, of course. Wake up guys.
I have no idea what happened on Smackdown yet, as I don't read the spoilers. They ruin the entertainment value of the show. Bit like Mark Henry. I know, that was malicious.
WrestleMania Big Time Countdown: 10 days. I can't wait. Sort of.
With that, I shall begin. Saturday Night's Main Event featured a welcome return to network TV for the WWE, re-establishing a tradition that goes back 20 years. Unfortunately, it tanked. Not the show itself, which featured the cream of the crop from RAW and Smackdown, a string of entertaining segments, an exciting opener and a dramatic main event. But the rating was, for want of a better word, horrendous. A 3.2, to be precise. For comparison, Saturday Night Live usually draws between 6.0 and 7.0, and RAW itself has drawn between 4.0 and 4.5 all year. To the untrained eye it's a baffling one, but closer inspection reveals a string of problems the show had before it even started.
Firstly, wrestling's reputation is in the toilet. No prime time show receives less ad revenue per break (ie. the products advertised on Smackdown are of low value, as the TV industry thinks wrestling fans are the least wealthy demographic in America). Crucially, the teenagers and young adults have been driven away from wrestling by a string of frankly ridiculous storylines. Did anyone think a negrophillia plot is what the company needed in 2002? Vince McMahon and the RAW scriptwriters did. So that's what we got. For the record, the ratings immediately plummeted to 3.0, almost record lows. Did anyone think it would be acceptable to sell out Eddie Guerrero's legacy for a cheap, thoughtless angle involving Randy Orton insulting is memory? Vince McMcahon and the Smackdown scriptwriters did, so that's what we got. Smackdown ratings have stayed below 3.0 since the tacky storyline, and the No Way Out grudge match for Eddie's honour is rumoured to have drawn a similarly poor buyrate. Do I notice a pattern emerging here?
Losing it: McMahon
Thirdly, Triple H has practially run RAW for four years, and people are suffering from HHH fatigue at the moment. So when he took an eight month break from the main event, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was then re-fatigued as he returned to the main event on NBC on Saturday Night. And shock horror, the rating tanked. Now bear in mind, HHH is one of the greatest wrestlers ever. The way he plans out his matches meticulously, brings logic and structure to his storylines and performs flawlessly in the ring is magnificent. He undoubtedly deserves many world title reigns. But TEN? Even the most fanatical HHH fan (I'm presuming there are some out there) would have to admit that's stretching it a tad. Regin No. 11 is predictably starting in a few weeks when he makes John Cena look like a jabroni, and then it'll be off into the horizon, chasing Ric Flair's more meaningful record of 16 world titles. The problem is, no-one takes his quest seriously. Everyone knows that in real life he married the boss's daughter, and can thus muster up another title shot whenever he feels like it. No matter how good he is, it's a fact that he hasn't moved business in the right direction as champion, in the way Batista, John Cena and Edge have recently. You remember Edge, right? The guy who brought RAW its highest ratings since the brand extension in 2002? He's now languishing in the mid-card in a hastily arranged storyline, while the 'King of Kings' plods to his pre-arranged coronation on April 2nd. I doubt the TV audience were filled with glee when they heard that SNME was headlined by matches involving McMahon-Helmsleys. Just because it worked in 2000, doesn't mean it'll work in 2006.
With that said, I have a tremendous amount of respect for HHH's talent. Honest.
The show itself was, as I said, very entertaining. JBL was gold in his segment with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mickie James continued to amaze the world by being part of an interesting women's storyline (did they swap scriptwriters for this?), and we were spared a Boogeyman match. No offence mate, but you were one of the long line of people called up too quickly from OVW. A year from now and your wrestling will probably be up to scratch, by which point it'll be too late. And they say society learns from its mistakes. Still no sign of Stacy Keibler though. The obvious idea is for her to save Torrie Wilson from Candice "Don't call me arrogant" Michelle and Victoria. So obvious that they'll probably overlook her for some heinous angle involving a midget and The Boogeyman's worms. You think I'm joking? While berating the WWE for attempting to relanuch SNME, the press clearly declared their interest in seeing Stacy again. One news outlet said something along the lines of, "We have no interest in watching HHH and The McMahon's step in the ring again. Now book Stacy Keibler, the most famous wrestler in America today, on the show - then we're talking." But they didn't. I guess they couldn't be bothered thinking up a storyline for her. Again.
Keibler: Not booked
RAW was a decent show this past Monday, although the show only really realises its potential when it comes from Texas, the only state in America with a half-decent crowd. When they go the North-East it's like someone's sat a wet newspaper in front of the crowd, they're so quiet. Unless they're booing the frig out of John Cena, of course. Wake up guys.
I have no idea what happened on Smackdown yet, as I don't read the spoilers. They ruin the entertainment value of the show. Bit like Mark Henry. I know, that was malicious.
WrestleMania Big Time Countdown: 10 days. I can't wait. Sort of.
