Sunday, January 28, 2007
Chav Rumble
It’s been said, usually on our dear old Sky One, that chavs are simply likeable creatures trying to buck established authority and royalty within a pre-ordained stream of consciousness in an anachronistically pro-Monarchy bourgeoisie (I believe Pete Doherty told me that one drunken night). So with the WWE’s traditional Royal Rumble just round the corner, what better time to ‘celebrate’ the lovable culture of twattiness sweeping the world than to imagine a winner-take-all brawl involving the world’s ‘favourite’ celebrity chavs? AKA: The Chav Rumble. Regardez, as Russell Brand would say (not really chavvy, just misunderstood).
Entrant # 1: Jade Goody makes her way to the ring to the chorus of boos she never received on Big Brother, as the audience of chavs pretend they're not racist in the lightest. She is pelted with scones and posters of famous Indians such as Sourav Ganguly and The Kumars. An enraged Goody grabs the microphone and cuts a garbled promo about how she’s “not a racial or nuffink”. She then claims the people of East Anglia are “coming to Britain and stealing all our jobs”.
Goody: Not a racial
Entrant # 2: Paris Hilton finally interrupts Goody’s terroristic tirade, making her way to the ring on top of a giant inflatable penis. The crowd roars their approval as Hilton rages, “I hate these people who get careers for doing nothing except being anti-social.” She then attempts to throw Goody over the top rope and eliminate her, but there are two small problems. Hilton is really, really thin, while Goody is really, really fat. They agree to film a sex tape instead.
# 3: Mike Skinner from The Streets is next out, and immediately goes after Hilton by chucking multiple bottles of Buckfast at her. The bottles go straight through Hilton’s brain and out the other side.
Skinner: Buckfast
# 4: Some appalling rap music hits, signalling the arrival of Kevin Federline. K-Fed saunters to the ring, and clambers over a naked Goody and Hilton on his way in. He miraculously manages to impregnate both women on the way.
Federline: Impregnation
# 5: With the match almost ten minutes old, the inevitable happens: Lily Allen joins proceedings. Coke Zero staggers to the ring while snorting cocaine from the Punjabi jungle of India. Goody rejects the cocaine, saying, “You don’t know where their hands have been when they made it”. She then denies she is “a racial or nuffink”.
# 6: The arena’s video screen shows footage of a brutal LA gang beating to signify the arrival of Snoop Dogg, and rather predictably, violence erupts around him. Snoop’s gang, ‘The Crips’ blind Mike Skinner by throwing marijuana in his eyes, allowing Snoop to easily eliminate him.
# 7 & 8: Maxwell and Saskia from Big Brother 6 make their entrance. No-one remembers them, so they leave quietly.
# 9: The intensely repetitive riff of ‘In Da Club’ blares from the speakers as 50 Cent swaggers to the ring, surrounded by his ‘hos’. Paris ‘The Pussy’ and Jade Goody invite them to their sex tape in the corner of the ring, as ‘Fiddy’ pulls a typically uncharismatic face.
# 10: The Game, Cent’s former ‘homie’ and current enemy, enters the Rumble to be met with a vicious headbutt from Lily Allen. Snoop Dogg assaults Coke Zero with a range of right upper-cuts, before joining in with the Goody/Hilton sex tape.
# 11: Lizzie Bardsley from Wife Swap enters, looking more unattractive than usual. With the ring filling up with chavs, K-Fed threatens to play a sample track from his album. Bardsley, Cent and The Game flee from the ring in terror, thus eliminating themselves.
# 12: The bookies’ favourite for weeks, Pete Doherty, enters the ring facing the wrong way. Lily Allen hits him with a sidewalk slam before blowing cigarette smoke in his face. Doherty turns blue, causing Jade Goody to break off from a graphic sex act to proclaim, “I never liked the blue people anyway”. She denies being “a racial or nuffink”.
Doherty: In need of compass
# 13: As Lily Allen attempts to eliminate Snoop Dogg by loading a banned firearm, Nelly Furtado makes her entrance, with more banal music than ever before. Allen breaks off from Snoop to start a lame catfight with Furtado, as commentator Jerry “The King” Lawler pretends to find the pair attractive for the good of the match. They quickly become entangled in the Goody/Hilton sex act, allowing Snoop to recapture the gun and shoot Doherty. Improbably, Doherty still survives.
# 14: Doherty’s on-off-on-off-sober-comatose girlfriend Kate Moss enters proceedings, and immediately attempts to eliminate anyone over the weight of 7 stone. Snoop Dogg reverses the manoeuvre and throws her over the top rope, causing her to crash into Lawler’s lap, as Lawler again pretends to find her attractive. Meanwhile, a remarkably non-plussed Doherty heads over to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, only to find he has trouble acting on his impulses. The commentators speculate over what could possibly lead to a coked-up ecstasy and heroine addict having erectile problems.
# 15: The buzzer sounds for the final entrant: Britney Spears. Spears enters in a converted caravan, and offers Snoop Dogg some official unairbrushed pictures of her last night out with Hilton. Snoop Dogg eliminates himself.
With all the competitors having made their entrances, it’s now every man and woman (and Goody) for themselves. Federline and Spears have a stare-down in the centre of the ring, which results in Federline throwing a punch. Due to his lanky stature, it fails to register, and Spears hurls the contents of her last KFC carry-out over a befuddled Federline, who falls over the top rope while whining about “my huge rap career”.
Britney turns her attention to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, slapping Goody and assaulting Furtado in what commentator JR describes as the “midsection”. Doherty dives outside the ring through the middle rope, thus not eliminating himself from the Rumble, and grabs a fix of nicotine. The fire alarm immediately sounds, causing Allen to interrupt her “hot lesbian action” with Goody and run for cover. It later emerges that she mistook the alarm for police sirens.
After over half an hour of sex, Hilton finally has enough and turns on Furtado, dumping her to the outside in a callous act of treachery. The following day’s ‘Daily Star’ remarks, “That’s our Paris – you’ve got to love her, haven’t you?” She then disposes of Britney by whispering in her ear that Lindsay Lohan is in a car outside with no underwear. Spears later confirms she only participated in the Chav Rumble “to be a good mother”.
At this point, Hilton is on fire, and again tries to throw Goody over the top rope. Luckily, after wrestling for 40 minutes (and having more liposuction during the match), Goody is now thin enough to be chucked over the top. As Hilton celebrates, Doherty suddenly regains consciousness from whatever caused his latest slumber, clambers back in the ring and eliminates Hilton. Hilton commiserates by marrying a millionaire in his 80’s.
Our final two are perhaps the ultimate poster boys for chav-dom: Pete Doherty and Lily Allen. Difficult to tell which one is more boyish. Anyway, the pair square off as the crowd chant both names in unison, with the easily-led female girls of Britain looking up to Allen as some sort of “icon”, and the rockier, wayward guys cheering for the “People’s Champion” in Doherty. Little do the crowd know it, but both competitors are in fact twats. The two lock up, with Doherty restraining Allen in a front face-lock. Unfortunately, after 5 seconds he forgets how to apply the hold, allowing Allen to escape. His next attempt is a plancha from the top rope, but Allen catches him in mid-air and gives him a vicious slam to the floor, causing her pigtails to de-attach from her hair. She reacts by launching profanities at a member of the audience.
Almost an hour in, and with the end in sight, Allen gives Doherty a devastating spinebuster. Looking to the crowd, she signals for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, the ‘People’s Elbow’. Doherty suddenly leaps up, boots Allen in the guy and delivers the Stone Cold Stunner, which he hence re-names the ‘Stone Cold Sober Stunner’. He then goes to eliminate Allen from the Rumble, but in a momentary (and totally uncharacteristic) memory lapse, forgets how to win the match. In a panic, he eliminates himself by diving into the crowd in a poor recreation of a 70’s stage dive. By default, a dazed and incoherent Allen wins the Chav Rumble.
“I’d like to thank my fans for supporting me all this time, buying my chavvy album, all my chavvy singles and my chavvy range of pro-drugs propaganda, like the ‘Legalise Cannabis’ T-shirts now available at the merchandise stalls. I’m off to celebrate by taking some gok, some crack and some of my favourite horse. Go the druggies! Uhhhh!”
As she goes to leave the ring, Vince McMahon interrupts her. You see, this isn’t the end of her wrestling career, as McMahon explains. The winner of the Chav Rumble, as everyone knows, goes on to meet the WWE Champion at ChavMania. So without further ado, McMahon introduces her opponent, the reigning champion, and a man who doesn’t act or appear chavvy in the slightest. Um, this man.
It's gonna happen. Give it 10 years.
Entrant # 1: Jade Goody makes her way to the ring to the chorus of boos she never received on Big Brother, as the audience of chavs pretend they're not racist in the lightest. She is pelted with scones and posters of famous Indians such as Sourav Ganguly and The Kumars. An enraged Goody grabs the microphone and cuts a garbled promo about how she’s “not a racial or nuffink”. She then claims the people of East Anglia are “coming to Britain and stealing all our jobs”.
Goody: Not a racial
Entrant # 2: Paris Hilton finally interrupts Goody’s terroristic tirade, making her way to the ring on top of a giant inflatable penis. The crowd roars their approval as Hilton rages, “I hate these people who get careers for doing nothing except being anti-social.” She then attempts to throw Goody over the top rope and eliminate her, but there are two small problems. Hilton is really, really thin, while Goody is really, really fat. They agree to film a sex tape instead.
# 3: Mike Skinner from The Streets is next out, and immediately goes after Hilton by chucking multiple bottles of Buckfast at her. The bottles go straight through Hilton’s brain and out the other side.
Skinner: Buckfast
# 4: Some appalling rap music hits, signalling the arrival of Kevin Federline. K-Fed saunters to the ring, and clambers over a naked Goody and Hilton on his way in. He miraculously manages to impregnate both women on the way.
Federline: Impregnation
# 5: With the match almost ten minutes old, the inevitable happens: Lily Allen joins proceedings. Coke Zero staggers to the ring while snorting cocaine from the Punjabi jungle of India. Goody rejects the cocaine, saying, “You don’t know where their hands have been when they made it”. She then denies she is “a racial or nuffink”.
# 6: The arena’s video screen shows footage of a brutal LA gang beating to signify the arrival of Snoop Dogg, and rather predictably, violence erupts around him. Snoop’s gang, ‘The Crips’ blind Mike Skinner by throwing marijuana in his eyes, allowing Snoop to easily eliminate him.
# 7 & 8: Maxwell and Saskia from Big Brother 6 make their entrance. No-one remembers them, so they leave quietly.
# 9: The intensely repetitive riff of ‘In Da Club’ blares from the speakers as 50 Cent swaggers to the ring, surrounded by his ‘hos’. Paris ‘The Pussy’ and Jade Goody invite them to their sex tape in the corner of the ring, as ‘Fiddy’ pulls a typically uncharismatic face.
# 10: The Game, Cent’s former ‘homie’ and current enemy, enters the Rumble to be met with a vicious headbutt from Lily Allen. Snoop Dogg assaults Coke Zero with a range of right upper-cuts, before joining in with the Goody/Hilton sex tape.
# 11: Lizzie Bardsley from Wife Swap enters, looking more unattractive than usual. With the ring filling up with chavs, K-Fed threatens to play a sample track from his album. Bardsley, Cent and The Game flee from the ring in terror, thus eliminating themselves.
# 12: The bookies’ favourite for weeks, Pete Doherty, enters the ring facing the wrong way. Lily Allen hits him with a sidewalk slam before blowing cigarette smoke in his face. Doherty turns blue, causing Jade Goody to break off from a graphic sex act to proclaim, “I never liked the blue people anyway”. She denies being “a racial or nuffink”.
Doherty: In need of compass
# 13: As Lily Allen attempts to eliminate Snoop Dogg by loading a banned firearm, Nelly Furtado makes her entrance, with more banal music than ever before. Allen breaks off from Snoop to start a lame catfight with Furtado, as commentator Jerry “The King” Lawler pretends to find the pair attractive for the good of the match. They quickly become entangled in the Goody/Hilton sex act, allowing Snoop to recapture the gun and shoot Doherty. Improbably, Doherty still survives.
# 14: Doherty’s on-off-on-off-sober-comatose girlfriend Kate Moss enters proceedings, and immediately attempts to eliminate anyone over the weight of 7 stone. Snoop Dogg reverses the manoeuvre and throws her over the top rope, causing her to crash into Lawler’s lap, as Lawler again pretends to find her attractive. Meanwhile, a remarkably non-plussed Doherty heads over to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, only to find he has trouble acting on his impulses. The commentators speculate over what could possibly lead to a coked-up ecstasy and heroine addict having erectile problems.
# 15: The buzzer sounds for the final entrant: Britney Spears. Spears enters in a converted caravan, and offers Snoop Dogg some official unairbrushed pictures of her last night out with Hilton. Snoop Dogg eliminates himself.
With all the competitors having made their entrances, it’s now every man and woman (and Goody) for themselves. Federline and Spears have a stare-down in the centre of the ring, which results in Federline throwing a punch. Due to his lanky stature, it fails to register, and Spears hurls the contents of her last KFC carry-out over a befuddled Federline, who falls over the top rope while whining about “my huge rap career”.
Britney turns her attention to the Goody/Hilton/Allen/Furtado sex act, slapping Goody and assaulting Furtado in what commentator JR describes as the “midsection”. Doherty dives outside the ring through the middle rope, thus not eliminating himself from the Rumble, and grabs a fix of nicotine. The fire alarm immediately sounds, causing Allen to interrupt her “hot lesbian action” with Goody and run for cover. It later emerges that she mistook the alarm for police sirens.
After over half an hour of sex, Hilton finally has enough and turns on Furtado, dumping her to the outside in a callous act of treachery. The following day’s ‘Daily Star’ remarks, “That’s our Paris – you’ve got to love her, haven’t you?” She then disposes of Britney by whispering in her ear that Lindsay Lohan is in a car outside with no underwear. Spears later confirms she only participated in the Chav Rumble “to be a good mother”.
At this point, Hilton is on fire, and again tries to throw Goody over the top rope. Luckily, after wrestling for 40 minutes (and having more liposuction during the match), Goody is now thin enough to be chucked over the top. As Hilton celebrates, Doherty suddenly regains consciousness from whatever caused his latest slumber, clambers back in the ring and eliminates Hilton. Hilton commiserates by marrying a millionaire in his 80’s.
Our final two are perhaps the ultimate poster boys for chav-dom: Pete Doherty and Lily Allen. Difficult to tell which one is more boyish. Anyway, the pair square off as the crowd chant both names in unison, with the easily-led female girls of Britain looking up to Allen as some sort of “icon”, and the rockier, wayward guys cheering for the “People’s Champion” in Doherty. Little do the crowd know it, but both competitors are in fact twats. The two lock up, with Doherty restraining Allen in a front face-lock. Unfortunately, after 5 seconds he forgets how to apply the hold, allowing Allen to escape. His next attempt is a plancha from the top rope, but Allen catches him in mid-air and gives him a vicious slam to the floor, causing her pigtails to de-attach from her hair. She reacts by launching profanities at a member of the audience.
Almost an hour in, and with the end in sight, Allen gives Doherty a devastating spinebuster. Looking to the crowd, she signals for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, the ‘People’s Elbow’. Doherty suddenly leaps up, boots Allen in the guy and delivers the Stone Cold Stunner, which he hence re-names the ‘Stone Cold Sober Stunner’. He then goes to eliminate Allen from the Rumble, but in a momentary (and totally uncharacteristic) memory lapse, forgets how to win the match. In a panic, he eliminates himself by diving into the crowd in a poor recreation of a 70’s stage dive. By default, a dazed and incoherent Allen wins the Chav Rumble.
“I’d like to thank my fans for supporting me all this time, buying my chavvy album, all my chavvy singles and my chavvy range of pro-drugs propaganda, like the ‘Legalise Cannabis’ T-shirts now available at the merchandise stalls. I’m off to celebrate by taking some gok, some crack and some of my favourite horse. Go the druggies! Uhhhh!”
As she goes to leave the ring, Vince McMahon interrupts her. You see, this isn’t the end of her wrestling career, as McMahon explains. The winner of the Chav Rumble, as everyone knows, goes on to meet the WWE Champion at ChavMania. So without further ado, McMahon introduces her opponent, the reigning champion, and a man who doesn’t act or appear chavvy in the slightest. Um, this man.
It's gonna happen. Give it 10 years.
